No More Underwear
by recodan
Summary: Naruto goes though some changes. And stuff happens. Seriously freaky stuff. Don't read unless you like weird. Rating may change.
1. Chapter 1

_I should get up. _

_But Kaka-sensei's going to be late anyways. Why bother?_

_What do you think, Kyuubi?_

To Naruto's surprise, there was no answer. The fox loved to yell at him about things like that.

_Eh, it's probably asleep._ he thought, rolling over. Something felt wrong.

And by something, everything.

This concerned him. Usually, lying in his nice soft bed was the one time of day that everything seemed right. For something to feel physically wrong meant that his day wouldn't improve after he got up. He was probably sick, but he didn't feel bad.

_Maybe I just slept funny._ he thought, sitting up. He opened his eyes and let them adjust to the light. Everything seemed really in focus. And he could see red bubbles.

_Dammit. That means it's the fox. First, pee. Second, ramen. Third, figure out what's wrong._

Naruto reached up to pull off his walrus nightcap but stopped as something black moved in front of his face. It looked like his arm, but it was jet black and had claws. In dawning comprehension he turned and looked at the mirror.

----

Most of the adults in Kohona crapped their pants in unison as what sounded like the Kyuubi's roar rang out in the morning air.

Tsunade wasn't one of them.

But she was in a meeting with the village elders, who didn't share her intestinal fortitude.

" The demon!" said one, standing up, the situation in his trousers forgotten. " It's escaped!"

" I don't think so." said Tsunade, leaping to her feet. " Sound the alert, but nobody is to go near anything fox-shaped. Got it?"

The council elders nodded fearfully.

The pit of her stomach feeling cold, Tsunade raced out of the building and began to run towards Naruto's apartment. Truthfully, she wasn't sure if the demon had gotten out, but she wasn't taking any chances with Naruto being attacked. Along the way Kakashi caught up to her.

" What's the situation?" asked the Copy Ninja lazily.

" No clue." Tsunade replied. " But, either the Kyuubi broke out or Naruto had a dream that the ramen stand went out of business. Either way, it's bad."

" Hn." They turned to find Sasuke and Sakura racing along sides them.

" You two!" yelled Tsunade, dodging past a fleeing villager as she ran down the street.

" What's this about the Kyuubi and Naruto?" asked Sakura, her brow furrowed.

" You two should go." said Kakashi, looking annoyed. " This is a situation that someone of your level will die in."

" Naruto's in trouble, right?" asked Sakura. Kakashi nodded. " Then we want to help.

" This isn't something you can help with." said Tsunade with a sigh. " Naruto is the container for the nine tailed fox."

Sakura gasped as Sasuke blinked in surprise. They always knew something was different about him, but it was hard to expect something like that.

" If the Kyuubi's escaped, a lot of people are going to die. You should run as far away as you can." Tsunade continued, giving them a stern look.

" No." said Sasuke emotionlessly. " There are two things that make me doubt that is the case."

" What?" snapped Tsunade angrily.

" First, no Kyuubi." said Sasuke, pointing to the demon-less skyline. Tsunade nearly fell out of the air from shock. She felt rather embarrassed to not have noticed that, but none of the villagers had either, so she shook it off.

" Second, from what I know of Jinchuuriki," said Sasuke, continuing. _Of course the Uchiha genius knows about them._ Tsunade thought, rather impressed. " Unless they break the seal, there's no way for the demon to get out. Do you imagine Naruto doing something so complicated and evil?"

Tsunade had to shake her head no. The boy was as innocent as he was stupid.

" We'll know for sure in a moment." said Kakashi as they landed in front of Naruto's door. Not bothering with knocking, Tsunade punched through the door and they barged in. She didn't have enough time to send the genin away, so she decided to make use of them.

" Kakashi, check the kitchen with Sasuke! Sakura, with me!" she commanded. The ninja obeyed without question and the pink haired girl followed her as she raced into the bedroom, chakra prepared for a powerful punch. Naruto was nowhere in sight in the small, messy room, but she could hear movement in the bathroom. She leapt into the doorway, knowing she had found Naruto.

Despite herself, Tsunade snorted at the sight of a chibi Kyuubi peeing.

" Is he…" said Sakura, screeching to a halt. In the bathroom, urinating, was a roughly Naruto sized creature with four glowing red tails and a strange face. It's mouth was a jagged line that looked like a rough drawing of fangs and it had glowing white eyes. ( The Four Tails State)

Becoming aware of them, it turned and looked at them, continuing to pee.

Nothing was said for several seconds.

" ROOOOOOOAAAARRRRR!" it roared, pointing at them in Naruto's trademark 'pervert!" pose. The air blasted against them like a hurricane, throwing Sakura backwards. Fortunately, she hit the bed, so she was fine. Naruto immediately covered his mouth, looking concerned….at leas as concerned as he could look with a demonic face. An instant later Kakashi and Sasuke were behind the transfixed Hokage.

Naruto, not knowing what to do, flushed the toilet.

" Kakashi, take your genin." said Tsunade, sighing. " And bring back sake." Kakashi nodded to his genin and they left. " Naruto, if you can understand me, raise your right hand."

Naruto looked to his arms, not raising either, though he seemed like he wanted to.

_He doesn't know right and leff? _thought Tsunade, pouting.

" That one." she said, pointing to the correct limb. The fanged mouth turned to a smile and he raised it. " Good. Follow me. I don't want to deal with this in your bathroom."

Naruto, who had been standing normally, fell to all fours and followed her into the kitchen. He had a little trouble with the four long prehensile tails following him, but with some effort he began to avoid banging them into things. Tsunade took a seat at his table, knocking a pile of dirty dished off it and leaning against it with one arm.

" So….I bet your freaked out." said Tsunade, giving him a sympathetic smile. Naruto nodded, afraid to try talking again. " Well, your right to be. This is awkward, but this was something we thought could happen."

Naruto cocked his head in confusion.

" Voice changing. Funny changes on your body. Mood swings." said Tsunade, letting a smile crawl onto her face. " Welcome to puberty."

Tsunade had done many things in her life. Truly amazing, legendary things.

Making an adolescent demon blush was going to be added to the top of the list.

" Rawr?" Naruto growled at a more normal level.

" I can't understand you." sighed Tsunade. She took out a pen and piece of paper. " Here, write it." she said, passing them to Naruto.

To Naruto's utter amazement, he reached out with a tail to grab the pen. With a natural ease he wrote his question.

" Are you drunk Granny Tsunade?" Tsunade read, giving out a small snort of a laugh. " Probably. But I'm serious. There was a report of something like this happening to another Jinchuuriki. Apparently, sometimes, the host completely merges with the demon, transforming into a permanent half and half state."

" Rawr." said Naruto, ears sinking. Tsunade almost laughed at how pitiful and sad he looked. He seemed even more expressive than usual.

" Tsuna…de…" said a ANBU captain, rushing in with a platoon of ninja. They all came to a halt when they saw Naruto, however.

" It's okay, it's okay." said Tsunade, waving them off. " Naruto's in control."

" Rawr." said Naruto, waving with one of the tails.

Ten ANBU promptly fainted.

" I bet your hungry, right?" asked Tsunade. Naruto nodded eagerly. " Make him some ramen." said Tsunade, indicating the kitchen. The ANBU eagerly left, glad to be out of the demons presence, even if they were sent on a rather degrading mission.

" Back." said Kakashi, strolling in and handing Tsunade several bottles of sake. Tsunade uncorked one and chugged it down in one setting, much to the amazement of the Copy Ninja and the remaining ANBU.

" Guh." Tsunade said as she slammed the bottle down. She immediately reached for a another, but Naruto had grabbed it with a tail the second before she got to it. He popped the cork and took a short drink. His eyes seemed to fall out of focus as he hiccupped, set the bottle down, and fell to the floor.

" Lucky bastard." said Tsunade, taking the bottle and finishing it. " I miss getting smashed that easy."

" I guess demon's can't hold their liquor." said Kakashi, taking a seat and poking the miniature Kyuubi.

-----

_Mmm…this is a hangover?_ thought Naruto, stretching as he woke. He didn't feel bad. Of course, maybe sake didn't affect him the way it affected humans.

_That's a horrible realization._ he mused, sitting up and smacking his lips. _But I'm not human any more, so I have to start thinking like that. I guess I don't have to wear underwear anymore. Yay. _

He opened his eyes and found a slightly drunk Tsunade staring at him from his table, his team sitting on his couch, and a group of ANBU in his kitchen, making a large pot of ramen. Someone had put his head under a pillow and put a blanket over him.

" Rawr?"

" Naruto!" cried Sakura wearily. " Are you okay?"

" Rawr."

" It was a honest question!" yelled Sakura, immediately going to angry mode. " You don't need to be snippy!"

" You understood him?" asked Tsunade, blinking.

" Well, no." replied Sakura, calming down. " I just know Naruto."

" Rawr!" said Naruto, smiling happily.

" So, nice your up." said Tsunade, drawing Naruto's attention. " We need to discuss your situation."

" Rawr?"

" The villagers and most people are in a panic. The rumor that you've turned into the Kyuubi is spreading quickly." Tsunade explained. Naruto's ears drooped again, indicating he felt bad. " But I've got the situation under control. You don't have to worry about someone busting down the door and coming to kill you."

" You already busted the door." said Kakashi, pointing to the debris.

" RAWR!" growled Naruto, leaping to his feet and running to examine the destroyed portal. He began to whimper and whine as he looked over the damage.

" He's concerned because the landlords going to make him pay for that." Sakura explained.

" Riiight." said Sasuke with a laugh. " Can you imagine him coming up here?"

Everyone had to admit, it was a unlikely situation.

While Naruto looked at the door, one of his tails suddenly extended out and moved though the apartment towards his bedroom. Everyone stayed clear of it as it snaked around, finally withdrawing with Naruto's frog wallet coiled in it. It drifted towards Sasuke and dropped it on his lap.

" There's no way I'm going to go pay for you." said Sasuke.

" Rawr."

" No."

" RAWR!"

" No."

"Rawr." said Naruto, drooping.

" Fine!" said Sasuke, taking it and storming out. " But never again!"

Everyone blinked in surprise while Naruto sat and looked proud.

" The ramen is done." said one ANBU, hauling in a large pot. Naruto's tails began to wag happily as it was set down in front of him. All manners forgotten, he simply stuck his head into the pot and began to eat in a style no sloppier than his typical mess.

He finished seven seconds later.

" That was….forty packages of ramen." said the ANBU, backing away. Naruto let out a contented burp, then curled up and fell asleep instantly.

" And it looks like it was appreciated." said Tsunade with a smile. " Send word to the ramen stand. We'll need their services soon." The ANBU nodded and raced off to give Teuchi the news.

Not a instant later, Iruka arrived on the scene.

" I was grading papers." he panted, leaning against the door. " I just heard. Where is he?"

" There." said Tsunade, pointing to Naruto's fairly obvious form.

Iruka gave a squeak and fainted.

----

_Okay…this is odd._ thought Naruto, looking around the water filled corridor that was his mind. He was seated in front of the Kyuubi's cage. He was still in the fox-like form, much to his disappointment.

" Greetings kit." snarled a deep voice.

" Bastard fox!" shouted Naruto, his words fully understandable to him. " What is going on?"

" I gave up." rumbled the voice. " As long as I kept fighting against you, I should have had a chance to get out like Shukaku. But no, you had to have a iron will and a diet so vile I'd rather die than smell ramen again."

" Hey! Don't insult ramen!" Naruto growled.

" Kit, shut up. I'll be dead in a minute."

" Oh." said Naruto, blinking and fully understanding.

" That's right. I'm dying. But it's because I have no interest living in you any longer. I thought I'd leave you with a parting gift and some advice."

" This is a gift?" snarled Naruto angrily.

" No, your change is a side effect." snapped the Kyuubi. " Just for that, no gift."

" So what's the advice?"

" When your getting it on with a vixen, make sure you start with foreplay. They love that shit."

"…."

" Bye, Kyuubi."

" Bye kit."

-----

Naruto woke up, sat up, yawned, and laid back down. He still felt sleepy.

" Naruto!"

" Naruto, can you hear me?"

" Want some chips?"

The last one got Naruto's eyes open. He found himself lying in his living room again, the other genin teams standing there and looking concerned.

" Barbeque flavored." said Choji, holding out the bag. With a grateful nod Naruto grabbed the bad with a tail and began to much on the chips, looking around at all his assembled friends.

" Rawr?"

" That's all he can say? This is too troublesome." said Shikamaru, who had ironically seated himself in the lazy-boy recliner.

" Shikamaru everything's too troublesome for you." screeched Ino. " Why do you bother waking up?"

Shikamaru blinked twice, leaned back in the chair, and passed out. The mini-Kyuubi chuckled a little, giving off the most insidious giggles ever heard within Kohona.

" Man." said Kiba, squatting down and looking Naruto in the eyes. " I thought you were ugly before."

" Rawr!"

" At least you smell better." said Kiba, sniffing the air. Naruto proceeded to give him the finger with his middle claw. " Well, at least your still Naruto mentally." Kiba said, laughing and standing up. He reached and scratched behind Naruto's ear, causing Naruto to instantly wobble and begin to thump his leg until Kiba stopped. Naruto whimpered, blushing as everyone laughed. He had been quiet embarrassed by that, though it felt good.

" So, here's the deal, brat." said Tsunade, giving him an apologetic smile. " So the villagers don't throw a hissy-fit, we're going to have you live outside of town."

" Where?" asked Sakura, sounding concerned.

" Well, the Forest of Death is where I was planning. We have a barracks there where the people that are…different…stay. It's close enough everyone can visit but far enough people won't be afraid."

" Rawr?"

" Yes, Anko is there."

" Rawr." whimpered Naruto as he curled into a ball, shielding himself with his tails. Though it was funny, nobody laughed. Anko was scary enough they knew they would have done the same thing.

" Want to hit the ramen stand before you head off?" Tsunade offered, hoping to cheer Naruto up.

" RAWR!" roared Naruto, hopping onto his feet.

----

It was kinda weird to be outside without pants.

Walking down a street casually.

Escorted by all your friends, a platoon of ANBU, and a drunken Tsunade.

And having four prehensile tails appendages coming from your butt.

But, that said, Naruto could still think of weirder things that could happen, so he wasn't too phased. He caught the occasional glimpse of a terrified villager, a gawking child, or a ninja waddling homewards in their soiled pants, but not many people dared come out. He was glad that his friends had came to see him, even if it was only because they thought he was too harmless to hurt anybody.

Smiling as the ramen stand came into view, he forgot his situation and picked up the pace. He bounded past everyone and landed nimbly onto one of the stools, wrapping one tail around the base to steady himself.

" Hello Naruto!" said Teuchi, smiling and immediately setting to making a bowl or noodles.

" How are you holding up?" asked Ayame, giving him a sympathetic smile.

" Rawr." replied Naruto, smiling.

" Hold it!!" cried Kakashi, catching up. " This is Naruto. Don't be afraid." he said the ramen makers.

" Of course it is." said Ayame, giving him a odd look. " Why do you say that?"

" Um…well….I thought you might know him in his present state." said Kakashi, sweat dropping.

" How could that be anyone but Naruto?" said Ayame flatly, pointing to where the demon had begun to devour a bowl of ramen, holding his chopsticks with his tails. Kakashi sweat dropped again, as she had a point.

" I'll pick up his…hic…tab." said Tsunade, walking up with the help of several ANBU. She handed her wallet to Ayame. " Got any sake?"

" I think you've had enough." said Shizune, appearing by her side.

" Nonshense." slurred Tsunade. " Naruto, have I had enough?"

" Rawr."

" Yeash, well who ashed you." Tsunade snapped back, swaying in her seat.

" Rawr." said Naruto, pointing to her with a tail.

" Don't get snippy with me!" yelled Tsunade, standing in a rough combat pose. " I'm a ninja. I know kung fu." she said, making karate-chop like motions with her hands. To everyone's relief, she fell down and passed out.

" I'll take her back." sighed Shizune, picking the Hokage up and carrying her towards the tower.

----

Ninety-eight bowls of ramen later, Tsunade's money ran out. Naruto felt full enough, but still a little hungry. However, given the situation, when Kakashi urged him it was time to go, he followed the Copy Ninja.

At least until he felt like taking a nap.

A bunch of naps.

Naps just felt…right.

When he woke up for the ninth time, he found himself in a cart being pulled by a team of dogs towards a ominous looking forest he remembered from the chunnin exam. Kakashi was riding on the side, but everyone else was gone.

" Rawr?"

" We're almost there, Naruto." said Kakashi, smiling as he looked up from his book. " I sent everyone else away. I'd rather not have them traumatized."

" Rawr?" Naruto asked, cocking his head in confusion.

" Hey." said a rough female voice by his ear, making him jump. He knew that voice.

It was Anko, who was perched on the side of the cart.

" I figured you'd be joining us out here someday." she said in a sickly sweet tone that worried Naruto as she leaned against him, speaking into his ear. " You seemed the type. First rule you need to remember, I'm the queen crazy. Don't mess with me."

" Rawr?" asked Naruto, drops of sweat-like chakra rolling down his face nervously.

" The people like in the forest barracks are called crazies." explained Kakashi. " Anko's the most famous one. You remember Ibiki and Guy too, right?"

Naruto suddenly froze at the thought of living in the same building as Guy.

" There's a bunch of others too. They are the ninja who are too eccentric to stay in the village." said Kakashi, giving Naruto a pat on the head. " Most people figured you'd have to live out here too."

" Rawr." Naruto whined as his ears drooped.

" That is so cute!" squealing Anko, gripping him like he was a teddy bear and choking him. " That settles it! We're roommates!"

" Rawr?" asked Naruto, confused and gasping for breath.

" And don't forget rule number two." said Kakashi as the cart pulled alongside a battered, ancient looking barracks building decorated in a number of clashing styles. Kakashi leaned over and gave him a serious look.

" Don't ever bend over to reach for the soap."


	2. Chapter 2

" Hey everyone!" Anko yelled, prancing through the front doors. She still had a death grip on Naruto's throat. " We got some fresh meat!"

" You scare me." said a old man, looking over at Anko from where he was playing chess with a skeleton.

" You flatterer." said Anko, giving him a smile. She proceeded to drag Naruto up a set of stairs to a door decorated with a crayon drawing of Orochimaru being kicked in the balls by a girl with improbably huge breasts. She pushed it open, revealing a room that made Naruto shudder.

The snakes, he could deal with.

The yaoi magazines he could ignore.

The pictures various people sleeping concerned him, but he could ignore them too.

The chains on the wall, not so much.

Other than that, Anko's room was a dirty mess of socks, lingerie, and various odd things that made Naruto blush. There was a mini-fridge that smelled strongly of dango and a large bed covered in plush snakes.

And real ones. But Naruto didn't focus on that.

" This is your corner." said Anko, dropping him thankfully on the other side of the room from the chains. She had selected the largest pile of laundry, which Naruto had to admit made a soft bed. Feeling immediately tired, he curled up and began to nod off.

" HEY! WAKE UP!" Anko shouted into his ear, making his eyes bulge. " It's not sleepy time." she said, leaning over with a feral look in her eyes. Naruto whimpered as she cut his cheek with a kunai and licked the droplet of blood off. " It's still playtime, if you know what's good for you."

" Dinner!" called someone from downstairs.

" Awww." Anko said, pouting. " I thought I was gonna get some time to break you in."

Naruto gulped nervously as he followed her downstairs to the mess hall.

Which was accurately named. Not only were the ninja within a motley bunch, ranging from rough looking murder types like Ibiki to childlike weirdoes running around and making a lot of noise like Anko, but it looked like there had been a war in the room recently He was given a handful of odd looks, but considering the deformities of some of the ninja he wasn't too far out there on the weirdness scale. A number of the ninja present he recognized from the chunnin exams.

" Hey everyone!' Anko yelled, hopping onto the table. " I'd like you to give a welcoming applause to Naruto Uzamaki, the cutest demon in the world!"

There was a moderate applause, and to Naruto's surprise, a wolf whistle directed at him by a Inuzuka woman who looked like she hadn't bathed ever.

" I got dibs on him, but I'm taking bids if you are interested!" Anko continued. " Five minutes, anything goes, orifice of your choice, starting at twenty ryou!"

" Twenty two!"

" Twenty three!"

Naruto promptly his under a table, quivering in fear.

" Yosh!" cried the unmistakable voice of Guy. " How is everyone doing this youthful evening!"

" We're taking bids on the Kyuubi's virginity!" said Anko, smiling as she began to pull Naruto out from under the table by a tail. Naruto tried to cling to the ground with his claws.

" What is virginity, Guy-sensei?" asked Lee, who had appeared alongside his mentor. _Figures fuzzy-brows is here._ thought Naruto as he gave up and was pulled out from under the table.

" That is a topic for another time, my youthful apprentice!" said Guy with a deep laugh. " But now it is time for training!"

" Yes, Guy-sensei!"

As they left, Naruto began to slink away from Anko, who was distracted with he bids, which were now up to twenty four ryou and eight cents. He made it out the door and snuck down the dark buildings hallway, passing the man who was giving the skeleton the evil eye as he waited for it to take its move. He began to feel sleepy again, something he guessed might be related to being a fox, so he found a nice quite corner under the stairs and went to sleep.

----

When he woke up, he knew odds were Anko was going to be waiting for him. He opened his eyes and wasn't surprised to see her kneeling by him, a creepy smile on her face.

He was a little surprised and worried that he was somehow in her room again.

" Hi there sleepyhead!" said Anko cheerily. " Since you were asleep I didn't get to have any fun!"

Naruto began to shift, but found he had a metal collar around his neck and was chained to the wall.

" Aw, is the widdle foxy scared?" she asked, tickling under his chin. " Does he think that big scary Anko is too much of a woman for him?"

Naruto nodded in agreement vigorously.

" Awww." she said, fake pouting. " And I was feeling kinky enough to give you a try. Well, better luck next time!" With that, she turned and leapt onto her bed and buried herself under the plush snakes, vanishing from view.

Sighing, Naruto sat up and tested the chain. It was pretty strong, but he figured that one good tug with a tail and it would break right off. Naruto knew that Anko would be mad about him leaving, but even sleeping in the forest of death would be safer than being in such close proximity to the snake lady.

So, he ripped the chain from the wall with alarming ease, unhooked the collar, and bounded down the stairs before Anko could stop him.

If he's looked back, he would have known not to hurry, as Anko was still asleep.

----

The next morning he gave a roar-like yawn as he woke. The sun was streaming down onto the bough he had fallen asleep on. It had taken him only minutes to get a safe distance into the forest, but he was able to tell it would have taken him a half hour to get that far normally. He had broken down a few trees along the way, since he wasn't quite used to his new body yet. He was faster, stronger, and had four tails he could use like extendable weapons coming from his butt.

He didn't think that having those tails was ever going to get old.

He raced back to the barracks at lightning speed and found himself upon the front doorstep, where a pair of rough looking ninja stepped aside as he entered.

" Naruto!" said Lee, who had been walking though the hall. " We thought you had left the village!"

" Rawr?" asked Naruto. Lee seemed to understand.

" You've been gone for three weeks."

_That was one hell of a nap._ thought Naruto, blinking.

-----

" Oh, thank god." said Tsunade, hugging Naruto's head into her breasts the moment she saw him. Lee had sent word to the Hokage that Naruto had not left and she had raced there. " I was so afraid you'd left. Don't pull something like that ever again."

" Rumph." came Naruto's muffled reply.

" Naruto!" said Sakura, racing forward as Tsunade let go. She seemed quite relieved. " Don't ever do something like that again! Where were you?"

She handed Naruto a pad of paper and a pencil.

" Asleep." Naruto wrote.

" For three weeks?" said Sakura, sounding shocked. " That's even longer that Shikamaru did."

" I didn't do it on purpose." Naruto wrote.

" Why did you leave the barracks them?"

" ANKO." Naruto wrote in bold.

" Yes?" said the woman, appearing behind him as if summoned. Naruto gave a little panicked squeak as she sat down on his back, holding onto his ears like handlebars. " Mush! Mush or I cut off your balls and feed them to you!"

Tsunade and Sakura watched in horror as Naruto carried the madly cackling woman into the distance.

" Where are we going?" Naruto wrote on the pad. His tails were holding the paper and pencil.

" The academy." said Anko with a evil look. " It's almost time for the chunnin exam, so we have to get to work. Most of the crazies take jobs in the exam because it's the best time to mess with the kids."

" Are you sure I should be going into town?" Naruto wrote.

" I'll buy you ramen." she cooed.

" Deal!" he wrote with several exclamation points.

-----

Naruto had to admit, he'd never expected he'd have Anko riding him like a horse though the halls of the Academy.

While she read porn.

Out loud.

" What is the meaning of this!" said a teacher, storming into the hallway. The color drained from his face as he saw Naruto. Naruto held out the pad of paper, which he had written " I am so sorry. I can't get this pervert off my and she's making me come here."

It didn't placate the man, who quickly leapt into the classroom and slammed it shut.

" Oh, here we are!" said Anko as they came to a door that led to the meeting room. " You be a good boy and _stay._" she commanded, motioning for him to sit by the door. Not taking any chances, Naruto immediately sat by the door, perfectly straight and at attention. She patted him on the head and walked into the room.

For the next hour he stayed put, occasionally having some student scream and run from him or some up and gawk. He knew the ANBU were there, but he wasn't as concerned with them as he was with being neutered. He cringed as she crossed his legs in fear.

" Aww, good lil' fox!" said Anko cheerily, coming out of the room with a number of wary looking teachers and examiners. " Who want's ramen?" she asked.

" Rawr!"

" Who's a good boy?"

" Rawr!"

" Who's going to get deflowered tonight?"

"…."

" Ra…wr?" came the weak reply.

" That's right! You! Now mush!"

----

After she had excused herself to go to the bathroom, Naruto bolted. No way in hell was he spending another second with Miss Rapist. He made his way across town as fast as he could, ignoring the panic he caused as he fled. He attempted to leap off a tall building with the aid of chakra, the way most ninja would jump, but he didn't think about how things had changed.

And he found himself sailing helplessly to a large, fortress-like white mansion.

He could hear the yells of alarm long before he could see the people, but as he got closer he saw he was heading towards the Hyuuga manor training field, where a number of the Hyuuga warriors had begun to panic.

He hoped they wouldn't bee to angry with him destroying their field as he crashed head first into the ground, embedding himself halfway into the dirt.

-----

" Hiashi-sama!" yelled a branch family member, rushing into the dining hall. " The Kyuubi is attacking!"

" I thought he had left!" Hiashi said angrily, leaping to his feet. The clan began to panic, heading for their various stations in case of an attack. The elderly and young hid in the basement, the warriors headed to the walls, and Hinata…just stood around, not knowing what to do.

_Naruto-kun would never attack us._ she thought, content that the object of her affection, while changed, was still a good person. _But how can I tell father that? He won't belive me, and ever since Naruto-kun changed he has been looking for a reason to challenge the Hokage's decisions!_

" Hinata, join the other warriors!" barked her father. She immediately fell in like and followed the other Hyuuga out into the courtyard, where they were forming a human wall around the training field. Hinata pushed her way to the front of the crowd as it parted for her father, who strode forward.

Only to find the motionless rear end of the chibi Kyuubi sticking out from a crater in the ground.

" What is it doing?" asked Hiashi in his coldest tone, which he usually reserved for battle.

" I don't know." said a branch family member. " It landed there a minute ago and hasn't moved."

"…"

" Someone get me a stick."

" Yes, Hiashi-sama!" said many of the Hyuuga, quickly bringing him a selection of small branches. He selected one and gave the ninja who had found it a ' I'm not going to activate your curse mark' nod, which was the Hyuuga equivalent of a three week paid vacation in the hidden village of massage.

Hiashi walked over and poked Naruto's leg once. Naruto twitched and began to struggle to free himself.

" Damn." swore Hiashi, tossing the stick away and turning. " I hoped it was dead."

As Naruto freed himself from the ground, the Hyuuga tensed and fell into their combat stances.

" Stand down." sighed Hiashi. " It's not here to attack."

" How do you know, Hiashi-sama?"

" Remember, before it changes, it was a clumsy, stupid boy. It doesn't appear it had changed."

The Hyuuga had to admit it seemed likely, since the Kyuubi seemed preoccupied with picking dirt clods out of it's nose as the moment. The Hyuuga backed off and dispersed, though their eyes stayed on it.

" Naruto?" asked Hinata timidly, walking forwards and facing the rather comical demon.

" Rawr!" it roared in a friendly tone, giving a rather scary but disarming smile.

" I-I just…wanted to say….." she stuttered. _I have to tell him! I have to! _" T-t-that I-I…even if your like this…I-I…l…"

" There you are!" screeched Anko, landing in front of Hinata and cutting her off. " What the hell are you doing, running off and coming here of all places?"

It was priceless when he sneezed, spraying her the boogey mud. It was also quite fortunate she had arrived, as she blocked Hinata from the same fate. Anko stood there, blinking, as the mess slowly trickled down.

" Like I was saying." Anko continued as if nothing had happened. " The Hyuuga compound? If your going to hide, try someplace fun! The hot springs, for example. While your laying low you get a nice peep show. Hey, that rhymes! I'm righting that down!"

The Hyuuga, save Hinata, had now left in disgust. Naruto sat, looking rather bewildered, as Anko took out a small notebook and began to write her words down.

" N-Naruto-kun?" said Hinata peeking out from behind Anko. " I…l-lo-lo…."

" Okay!" said Anko, putting the notebook into a pocket on her coat. and leaping onto Naruto's back. " Now, we ride for dango! Mush!"

Hinata watched as Naruto leapt over the manor wall and out of sight, silhouetted against the darkening sky.

She stood motionless and stunned for several minutes.

" What the mother-fucking goddamn hell!" she screamed in ultimate frustration, prompting a number of the clan to look out from windows and doors in surprise as the gentle heiress went on a foul-mouthed rant.

-----

" So good." said Anko, patting her belly contentedly as Naruto trotted up to the barracks. She threw away the last dango skewer lazily. It was past dark and beginning to get late. " So, tell me." she whispered in Naruto's ear. " You up for a little fun tonight?"

Naruto took out the pad of paper and pencil again and began to write.

" I'm twelve." Anko read. " So? It's not like age matters!"

_Pervert._ thought Naruto as he continued.

" I'm a fox." he wrote.

" As if that matters!" said Anko, closing her eyes as if making a point. " One should never let the chance for something they haven't experienced to pass by!"

Naruto sighed. Anko was officially the second freakiest being in the world, most likely due to the fact she was trained by the first, Orochimaru. He tried his last attempt to dissade her, short of restraining her.

" I don't want to?" she read, a eyebrow raising in surprise. " Wait…let me get this straight…a twelve year old boy…if turning down a chance to make some hanky-panky with a living, breathing woman? Are you gay or something?"

" Rawr!" Naruto protested.

" But come on! Check out these ba-zooms!" she said, jiggling her breasts. " What couldn't you like about them?"

Naruto sighed as he finished walking up the stairs to their room. He had only one course of action.

" Hey, what are you doing?" she protested as the tails wrapped around her. They extended outwards, holding her so she could not struggling, and set her on her bed so she way lieing down but could not move. Naruto walked several circuits around the laundry pile and lie down, ignoring Anko's cussing and threat's of genital mutilation.

He was going to sleep even if she killed him.

----

" Naruto!" cried Anko pitifully. The fox didn't seem to want to wake up, which was a problem. " I have to go potty!"

"…"

" Oops, never mind!"

----

Naruto yawned and stretched, waking up. He opened his eyes and looked over at Anko, but she had escaped, leaving a log in her stead. There was a note taped to his tail, so he retracted them over so he could read. For some reason, they smelled like urine.

_Hey! This is Anko! I used my awesome skills to get away from you. _Naruto read. It was rather hard, as she had written in crayon. _Come down the mess hall after you finish cleaning off the ash._

_Wait, what?_

Then the note exploded.

-----

Growling as he walked into the mess hall, he found everyone assembled in a slightly less haphazard manner than last time. One of the tables seemed to have been turned into a stage while the others had been cleaned and organized so that they had a good view. Naruto took a table with the old man and the skeleton, who's chess game was still going on. ( It was still the skeletons move.)

" Hi everyone!" said Anko, waving as she leapt onto the table. " Now, as you know, Kohona's last chunnin exam didn't go quite right."

" Yeah. We didn't get to fail enough people." someone yelled out, making the assembled sadists laugh.

" True. Which is why we are assembled today. We need to do our yearly brainstorming session for the tests. Ibiki, I know you love your written exam, but we're going to skip it this year."

" But it's tradition!" Ibiki protested.

" Yeah, so's washing your hands after going to the bathroom." said Anko mutedly. " Tradition is made to be broken."

"…"

" Carrying on, we need a new first test! Any ideas?" said Anko, looking out to the crowd. A general hubbub begain. Naruto extended one tail like he was raising his hand.

" Yes, you, the fox who I didn't get to bang last night." said Anko, pointing to him.

" Put all the genin in a room, tell them just to stay put. I'll jump in, roar as loud and meanly as I can. Anyone who pee's their pant's fails." he wrote. There was a general murmur of agreement. Naruto guessed it must have seemed evil enough, and he had to admit it sounded like fun.

" Any other ideas?"

" How about a written exam?"

" No, Ibiki."

" We do exercises!"

" No, Guy. Anyways, you have genin in the exam. You can't be here."

" Guy-sensei can be anywhere!"

" Lee, get out."

" Aww." said the green clad duo, walking out shamefully.

-----

" I can't believe were doing this without Naruto." Sakura said, feeling guilty.

" It's not like he could come." said Sasuke, sounding somewhat sad. It had been nearly a moth since they had last seen the boy. Kakashi was keeping them to busy to visit and other then the incident when Sakura had seen him for a few seconds, he had not come into town.

They entered the room, where they were joined by the other genin teams.

" Hey." Sasuke said, nodding to Neji.

" It is too bad Naruto is not here." said Lee. He had a memory jutsu performed on him and did not remember Naruto's part in the exam.

" Yeah." said Kiba dourly. " It doesn't seem right without him."

" There are plenty of other things to be concerned about." said Shino. His voice, surprisingly, betrayed him, and everyone could tell he was bother as well. " The other teams will likely be after us."

" Why?" asked Kiba.

" We all made the semi-finals or finals last time." Neji replied. " And we are all rather notable genin. In this exam, it is best to test yourselves against the best opponents you can find."

" I agree." said a quite voice behind them. In horror, they turned to find Gaara and his siblings standing behind them.

" Don't worry. He's calmed down." said Kankuro, giving Gaara a pat on the shoulder. Gaara stood in his usual positon and glared at them.

" I'm still dropping out if I have to fight you." said Kiba, sweat dropping.

" Yosh!" said Lee, pumping his arm. " I hope we can have a rematch! I have been improving my skills!"

" Everyone, to your seats!" said the examiner, silencing the assembled genin. Aware they were being eyed by the others, the Leaf Genin and the Sand Siblings found their places. " Before we begin, their will be a five minute quiet time. You are to remain seated, look directly forward, and make no sounds. It begins now."

_What the hell is this?_ thought Temari, glancing at the ring of examiners watching from the sides of the rooms. _They didn't have this last time!_

_They changed the test._ thought Sasuke, focusing on following the guidelines. _But what are they testing?_

_I'm hungry._ thought Choji.

_It is unfortunate Naruto is not here._ thought Gaara. _I will have to visit him when this is over. _

_I hope Akamaru doesn't have to pee too. _thought Kiba, trying not to fidgit. He had forgotten to go before they entered.

_I like bugs._ thought Shino.

_Fucking test._ thought Hinata.

_Sasuke-kun!_ thought Ino and Sakura.

_Didn't I already pass?_ thought Shikamaru. _Three minutes have gone bye. I wonder what going to…_

" ROOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!"

As the blast of chakra and spittle the air carried past them on the roar died down, the genin sat in shock. The foreign genin looked on in horror, having heard the rumors that the Nine Tails had gotten free and was wandering Kohona. The Sand Siblings looked on in surprise, not having expected Naruto's changes to be so drastic. The locals looked on in surprise, as even thought they knew it was Naruto, having a demon roar at you was pretty scary.

Slowly, Gaara stood up, arms still crossed, but a wet spot evident on the front of his pants. Everyone watched silently as he slowly walked from the room, face emotionless.

Kiba was the next to stand. Not only had he failed, but Akamaru had as well. And Akamaru was on his head. Ino went next, sidling along As Naruto looked on proudly, one by one the genin filtered out of the room. The examiners watched in amazement as the room emptied, leaving only Shino.

" I guess you're the only one that passed." said Ibiki, walking up to the Aburmae.

" No." said Shino in his monotone. " I failed as well. Though my bladder control was sufficient, my bugs was not."

"…"

" Ew."


	3. Chapter 3

Warning. From here on out, there are some references. To adult stuff. You know what I'm talking about. No lemon, but some language and vivid images that may disturb.

Enjoy.

--------------------------------------------------------

" They all failed."

" Yes, Hokage-sama." reported Anko. The examiners seemed proud of themselves and Naruto, who was assembled with them in the Hokage's office.

" We have no new chunnin?" inquired Tsunade, face palming.

" Correct, Hokage-sama. Though, Aburmae Shino could have stayed."

" He dropped out?"

" He passed the pee test, but his bugs didn't."

"…"

" Ew." said Tsunade, shaking her head. She turned her gaze to Naruto. " I bet your pretty proud of yourself?" she asked, feeling annoyed.

" Rawr!" said the boy-turned-fox-demon, smiling broadly.

" That was a pretty mean thing to do." sighed Tsunade. " I'm banning you guys from ever using it on the test again."

" But it worked so well!" whined Anko. Nods of agreement came from the other examiners.

" If you ever do it again, I'll get nude photo's of you and give them to Jiraiya." said Tsunade, a vein bulging on her head.

" Really?" Anko asked, blinking in surprise. " Do you think he'd use them as research? I'd love to be inspiration for his books!"

"…"

" In that case, I'll give them to Orochimaru."

" Eh. He's seen it all before." said Anko, shrugging.

" Fine! I'll burn down every place that sells dango and pass a law requiring you to wear parka every day!"

" You wouldn't dare."

"…."

" Fine. No more pee-tests."

-----

" So, what now?" Anko asked her fellow examiners as they left the Hokage's tower.

" A written exam!" suggested Ibiki.

" Exercise!" Guy called out.

" What Guy-sensei said!" shouted Lee.

" Rawr!" roared Naruto, which was roughly understood as "Ramen!"

" Chess!" shouted the old man, who was dragging the skeleton behind him.

" Or we could go to the sex shop!" said Anko, leaping onto a bench and taking pose like someone inciting a crowd to riot.

"…"

" YAY PORN!" shouted the crowd of eccentric ninja before rushing off (and being joined by Kakashi and Jiraiya), leaving a blushing Naruto, a confused Lee, and a disinterested looking Guy.

" Guy-sensei…what is a sex shop and porn?" asked Lee.

" That is a topic for another time!" said Guy with a deep laugh. " But now, training!"

"Rawr." Naruto said, turning and walking down he street to the ramen stand.

He didn't make it, as he suddenly curled up for a nap in the middle of a major intersection, blocking a number of carts and merchants.

-----

Not trusting Anko, when Naruto arrived back at the barracks he decided that he'd be getting somewhere else to stay. He left a note on her door and began searching around the spacious building. Some rooms were occupied, some ruined, some boarded shut, some full of wreckage, and one decorated like a children's playroom.

Naruto avoided that one. He knew the beginning of a horror movie when he saw it.

Finally, he found what resembled a commons room that hadn't seen use in years. It was full of dust, but the carpets and sofas were in good condition.

Smiling, Naruto reached out with his tails and began to build himself a fort out of pillows.

----

Anko was pissed.

First of all, someone had called the fire warden on them because there were too many people in the store and she'd not gotten to buy anything naughty.

Second, her big, demonic teddy had left her.

When she stalked into the commons room where she had tracked him to ( after killing the knife wielding clown in the playroom my shoving a snake up it's ass and having it slide though, come out the other end, and bite it on the nose) she looked to the small pillow fort with one thought on her mind.

Siege.

" Rawr!" growled the defender from within, trying to prop up his north tower. Unfortunately, Anko's water balloon barrage proved too severe and it collapsed.

" Yar!" cheered Anko from behind the sofa she was using as a pirate ship. " That's the way to do it, matey's! Keep firing!" she ordered, waving her cardboard cutlass and ducking back down. She reached up with two sock puppets.

" Aye aye, Miss Most Awesome Pirate Captain Ever!" said the one with a eye patch.

" I want to give you a foot massage, captain!"

" Not now, Mr. Gibbs." said Anko, tossing the puppets to the floor and tossing another water balloon. It went though one of the windows just as Naruto poked his face out to check on her, spattering him with a direct hit.

" We got the govenor!" cheered Anko, throwing her pirate hat into the air. " Charge! Take them while their distracted! Let no booty go unplundred!"

Naruto whimpered as Anko tackle-glomped him, drooling slightly as she pinned him to the ground.

----

" I got to say, that was different." said Anko, taking a drag of a cigarette and looking up at the ceiling. She and the twitching Naruto were lying side by side in the antechamber of the ruined pillow fort. " I mean, sure, you being a fox and all, I didn't know what to expected. Things felt different, some proportions took a little getting used to, and the all-around fuzziness was unique, but it what set you apart from the others really has to be the fact that I've never had anyone cry while making love to me."

Naruto whimpered, gingerly touching his aching loins.

" I have to say, thought, you did pretty good for a first timer. Lasted decently, hit most of the right spots, and took it like a soldier. Albeit a sissy soldier who was whining for mama as his drill instructor put him though basic, but a soldier none the less."

" Rawr." Naruto said pitifully. He had never wanted a pair of pants so bad in his life.

" So…" cooed Anko, gripping onto his arm and cuddling. " You ready for round two or do you want to call it a night?"

" Rawr?" Naruto growled hopefully

" You silly, I was just joking! You never had a choice!"

Naruto whimpered as she slid on top of him.

-----

" Dude."

" Yeah."

" Not fair."

" Too troublesome."

" What are you talking about?" Sakura asked as she and Ino walked up to where Kiba, Sasuke, Shikamaru, and Neji were sitting.

" Naruto." answered Neji.

" What happened?" asked Ino, somewhat concerned. The boys seemed pretty depressed. Shikamaru handed her a flyer.

" Anko came by. She was tossing these into the air." said Shikamaru. " Read it yourself."

Curious, Sakura leaned over Ino's shoulder as they began to read.

NO LONGER A VIRGIN! declared a large font, followed by a picture of Naruto's face. The Kyuubi looked quite scared. ANKO-GUARENTEED TO LAST UP TO FIVE HOURS! CRIES LIKE A BABY BUT TRIES HIS HARDEST! GET IT? THAT WAS A DIRTY JOKE!

" Oh god!" shouted Ino, tossing the flyer away and wiping her hands. Sakura looked rather stunned as well.

" He was the first one." said Neji, sulking into his hands. " How was that loser the first?"

" The first what?" asked Ino, while a drop of blood dripped from Sakura's nose.

" To get laid." Shikamaru explained bluntly. " We had a betting pool going."

" Oh." said Ino, blinking. " Who won?"

-----

" Ah ha ha ha ha!" chortled Tsunade, fanning herself with her winnings. Her horrible betting sense had convinced her to put her money on Naruto, even thought the odds were five hundred and three to one that he'd never get any! But, the little baka had came though for her!

She'd won twenty five thousand ryou!

That was the most she'd won in ever!

Next time she saw the boy, she'd kiss him!

" Hokage-sama!" cried Shizune, rushing into the room. " We just received a bill from your favorite bar! It's for twenty five thousand ryou!"

Tsunade pouted as she handed the wad of cash to Shizune.

-----

Naruto whimpered as he limped into the mess hall. He brushed people aside, who gave him knowing looks (he hadn't exactly been quiet last night) as he made his way to the buffet. Lee had just finished taking all the curry when Naruto forced everyone back with his tail. Unhinging his jaw, he crawled down the length of the buffet line, swallowing everything on the table, be it broccoli, dango, a tea kettle, a roast duck, a stack of potatoes, another tea kettle, a tray of silverware, or whatnot. He consumed a feast that would have satisfied most Akimachi and a garbage compactor, leaving himself with a large, distended stomach. He curled up, wrapped himself in his tails, and took a nap, while giving off an aura that plainly told everyone that they should not wake him unless they wanted to become part of breakfast.

-----

" Aaaaaand why am I here?" Naruto asked himself, looking around the Kyuubi's cage. This didn't seem like a good sign.

" Hello kit." said a grainy version of the Kyuubi's voice. " If your hearing this message, you have proved me wrong and gotten a vixen. Congratulations."

" Thanks." said Naruto sarcastically.

" Now, I have a little checklist for you to go through to evaluate your performance." Naruto groaned as the voice continued. " As you are replacing me as the fox-in-chief, I need to make sure your skills are up to snuff. First, did you start with foreplay?"

" I was raped!" Naruto shouted as the voice continued.

"…and light tickling with your soft whiskers is another good way to get them sensitive. If you don't have whiskers, because you kept most of your ugly human face, try using your tail instead. It's easier for rubbing and still quite soft."

" My face isn't ugly!" protested Naruto. Besides becoming a red-black, having white glowing eyes, a jagged mouth, and for ears, he might have had a point.

" Then, once you have her in a proper state, begin by slowly…."

" La la la! Not listening!" said Naruto, covering his ears with his hands. Unfortunately, he could still hear the fox in his mind.

" Circular motions are my favorite…"

" Oh god, the Pervy Sage says crap like this!" Naruto cried, practically sobbing. " Make it stop!"

" Now, should you feel yourself approaching orgasm too early, try shifting to a more difficult position to delay yourself."

_Life is not fair._ thought Naruto defeatedly.

-----

" Think he died?" asked Anko, looking at the catatonic fox. Naruto had been lying in one spot since breakfast the day before. The kid took long naps, but not this long, usually.

" No. The fires of his youth are too strong!" said Guy, giving a thumbs up.

" He ate the espresso machine."

" I'LL KILL HIM!" screamed Guy. " I"LL SHOVE MY FOOT SO FAR UP HIS…"

" Guy-sensei, calm down!" said Lee, restraining his teacher. " The other coffee machine is still working."

" Oh. Oh yes." said Guy, panting and trying to regain his composure. " I can still get my caffeine and maintain my youthfulness."

" Uh…sensei…they made decaf."

" I'LL KILL YOU ALL WITH MY YOUTHFUL FISTS OF HATE!"

" Hey, he's awake." commented Ibiki, pointing to the stirring Naruto as Guy began to smash up a table.

" Hey there, sport!" said Anko, leaning into Naruto's face. " How was nappy time."

To the confusion of everyone, the chibi Kyuubi began to sob uncontrollably, pulling the freezer over to him and digging into a gallon of triple fudge ice cream.

" He could use a written test." said Ibiki, turning and walking towards the cereal dispensers while Guy began to kick people for making instant coffee, which was a 'unyouthful' form of his favorite beverage.

Lee joined in the beatings, but only because his teacher was doing it.

-----

" So, what's in all these rooms?" Naruto wrote on the pad of paper.

" No clue." shrugged Anko, taking a bite of the dango she was having for breakfast. She and Naruto were walking though the halls of the building, looking around.

'Cause they could.

" Want to open one?" Naruto wrote.

" Sure!" said Anko, tossing the skewer away and prying a board off a nearby door. She threw it open.

Naruto and Anko's jaw's dropped at they saw what was inside.

They then got a evil idea.

-----

" Finally." said Tsunade, setting down a stack of finished reports. She had completed every piece of paperwork she had to do and was now going to enjoy a nice relaxing evening off.

" Tsunade-sama!" yelled Shizune, barging through the door to her office. Tsunade sighed heavily, knowing her plans just changed. " Orochimaru in front of the tower!"

" What!?" she cried, leaping to her feet and throwing off her coat. Shizune began to say something, but Tsunade pushed her way past her assistant and ran down the stairs.

_Why now?_ she thought, mentally preparing herself for a fight. _I have to expect the worst. He's probably here to destroy Kohona again._

Nerves readied, she burst though the front door of tower and onto the steps.

Where she found Orochimaru in a glittering white outfit, looking down, flanked by a division of terrified ANBU that Anko and Naruto had press ganged into service.

" Hit it!" cried Anko from about. Orochimaru began to sing and dance, the ANBU mimicing his motions.

"It's Close To Midnight And Something Evil's Lurking In The Dark  
Under The Moonlight You See A Sight That Almost Stops Your Heart(hip thrust)  
You Try To Scream But Terror Takes The Sound Before You Make It  
You Start To Freeze As Horror Looks You Right Between The Eyes,  
You're Paralyzed" (Hipthrust!)

Tsunade's eye twitched.

"Cause This Is Thriller, Thriller Night  
There Ain't No Second Chance Against The Thing With  
Forty Eyes  
You Know It's Thriller, Thriller Night  
You're Fighting For Your Life Inside Of Killer, Thriller Tonight"

Above, on a rooftop where they had a good view, Anko and Naruto were laughing so hard they had nearly bust their gut's.

"Darkness Falls Across The Land (HIPTHRUST!)  
The Midnite Hour Is Close At Hand  
Creatures Crawl In Search Of Blood  
To Terrorize Y'awl's Neighbourhood  
And Whosoever Shall Be Found  
Without The Soul For Getting Down  
Must Stand And Face The Hounds Of Hell  
And Rot Inside A Corpse's Shell ( DOUBLE HIPTHRUST!)  
The Foulest Stench Is In The Air  
The Funk Of Forty Thousand Years  
And Grizzy Ghouls From Every Tomb  
Are Closing In To Seal Your Doom  
And Though You Fight To Stay Alive  
Your Body Starts To Shiver ( GYRATING HIPTHRUST!)  
For No Mere Mortal Can Resist  
The Evil Of The Thriller"

By this time, nearly everyone in the village was present to hear Orochimaru finish the song with evil laughter, then fall back into the starting position.

Tsunade stood motionless, her eye twitching.

" Do it again!" called out Jiraiya.

"It's Close To Midnight And Something Evil's Lurking In The Dark  
Under The Moonlight You See A Sight That Almost Stops Your Heart  
You Try To Scream But Terror Takes The Sound Before You Make It( Hip-thrust!)  
You Start To Freeze As Horror Looks You Right Between The Eyes,  
You're Paralyzed"

Tsunade turned and closed the door to her tower.

She was going to need sake.

Lot's of sake.

And a cold shower. Orochimaru looked damn fine in a shiny suit.

-------

" It was a clone?" asked Jiraiya as the ANBU and Orochimaru went though their fifth encore.

" Yeah. We found it in one of the rooms in the barracks. Whenever you tell it to, it does that. We thought it needed backup, thought, so we got ANBU to volunteer." said Anko with a smile, watching her ex-master dance his heart out. " I have no idea why he would create something like that, but he did."

" Or someone else did." Jiraiya pointed out.

" Rawr."

" Good point." said Jiraiya, chuckling to himself. " Who else would make a clone of him?"

" Rawr." Naruto growled again, pointing with a tail. Jiraiya's fly was open. The Perverted Hermit blushed, zipped himself up, and quickly left.

" Aww. You shouldn't have told him." Anko said with a sigh as another refrain started.

" Rawr."

" Yeah, I guess it was worse at your level, but come on! It was funny!"

" Rawr!"

" You wouldn't know funny if it held you down and raped you until you liked it!"

"…"

"Ra…wr?"

" Yes, that was a hint of what I'm going to do to you tonight."

Naruto's ears drooped.

----

" BOOM! HEADSHOT OF YOUTH" shouted Guy, punching a man who was walking down the street in the face before racing onwards in his coffee-withdrawal fueled rage. " YOUR NEXT!" he shouted, leaping though the window of a trendy store and kicking a six year old who was eating a cookie.

" Guy-sensei, please stop!" Lee pleaded, rushing after him. " We can get you coffee elsewhere!"

" It's too late for that, my youthful apprentice." Guy cackled madly. " I am become punch, destroyer of faces!"

" Code five! Code five!" screamed the ninja behind the counter. As luck would have it, Guy had chosen to leap into Nin-Starbucks.

And it wasn't like this kind of thing hadn't happened before.

While Lee tried valiantly to stop his teacher they coffee-nin brought out a hose and began to spray a concentrated latte blast at the green-clad jounin. He tried to swim against the current, even though he was still standing, but eventually he was pushed backwards into the wall and subdued. While he struggled, yelling things like 'youth' and ' Destroy! Destroy!' they brought out several cups of the emergency coffee and poured them into his mouth.

Guy went limp and stopped struggling.

" Guy….sensei?" Lee asked fearfully.

" Yosh!" shouted Guy, throwing them off. " It is now time to train!"

" Yes, Guy-sensei!" shouted Lee, jogging after his teacher and leaving the devastation behind.

----

" Sooo….." Anko trailed off as the barracks came into sight. " What room do you want to do it in tonight?"

"Rawr!"

" Look, I know you really want to." said Anko, sighing. " First, you're a boy. Second, you got into it last night. Third, you haven't run away. If you really didn't want me doing this, you'd be in Suna chatting with gothy-mc-evil-raccoon and the Incest Twins."

" Rawr!"

" No, I don't actually think their doing each other, it just sounded funny! Anyways, were not talking about them at the moment. We're discussing what were doing tonight!"

" Rawr."

" Fine, dinner first. But make sure you only eat the food this time."

-----

After a delectable feast consisting of ramen, ramen, more ramen, and a cookie, Naruto was feeling slothful and lazy. Anko was babbling on with some of the other kunochi, so Naruto slunk out of the room. He was making his way's upstairs when Anko appeared at the top, dressed in a fox costume.

----

" Wow." said Anko mutedly, still flushed. Naruto took a drag on the cigarette, then blew the smoke out towards the ceiling. " I guess we know what turns you on."

" Rawr."

" Yeah, I'll wear that from now on." said Anko, smiling widely. " You're a pretty quick learner, aren't you? Some of those things I wouldn't have expected you to learn for a year or two."

" Rawr." purred Naruto, feeling contented as he rolled over and went to sleep. Anko waited a few moments until she was sure he was out, then snuck over to the wall and opened a hidden compartment, revealing a video camera.

" This stuff is going to be pure gold." Anko cackled quietly. " I wonder who I sell it to first. Jiraiya probably will put it to the best use…."

Anko smiled as she began to plot her new business venture. _What Naruto doesn't know won't hurt him._ she thought, sneaking out of the room and heading for the internet.

-------

"A mission?" asked Anko, blinking.

" Rawr!" roared Naruto cheerly. He was looking forward to taking his ninja duties up again.

" I wanted a written test." whined Ibiki, pouting.

" Too bad, Ibiki. We have a mission and I think you three will be perfect for it." said Tsunade, sitting back in her chair. She still reeked of alcohol, but she seemed to be hung over, not intoxicated.

" Serious? We're the correct fit?" asked Anko, blinking.

" Rawr." said Naruto, which roughly translated to 'Hey, Hey, old lady, you aren't just sending us on a mission together because there isn't anyone else and you want us out of town for a while?'

" Yes." said the Hokage, leaning forward and handing a folder to Anko. Anko opened it and read, her face draining of color.

" Your serious? We get to do this?" asked Anko, sounding faint.

" Yep. I thought you'd like it."

" Rawr?"

" We get to go to the Sound country, kidnap a bunch of ninja, and interrogate them for Orochimaru's whereabouts!" Anko cheered, leaping into the air and clicking her heels.

" Can I use a written test?" asked Ibiki hopefully. The Hokage nodded.

" Rawr?" asked Naruto. Whatever it was, the Hokage nodded.

" Can I have a pony?" asked Anko. Before she could stop herself, the Hokage nodded. " Yay! Make sure it's a pink one! We'll be back in a few days!" cheered Anko, dragging Ibiki and the chibi Kyuubi out the door.


	4. Chapter 4

" Are we there yet?"

" No."

" Why?" whined Anko. " This is taking forever!"

" Anko, traveling takes time." Ibiki explained with a sigh. They were sneaking though the forests of the Sound country towards a village that was their target. " Besides, it gives us time to plan our course of action."

" Hmmm." said Anko, taking a thinking pose as she walked. " Are you thinking what I am, Naruto?"

" Rawr."

" I like it, but where do we get a unlimited supply of nipple rings?"

"…"

" We weren't thinking the same thing there, were we?" asked Anko with a giggle. Ibiki and Naruto rolled their eyes. Anyone who thought the same things Anko did would have their head explode. " So, full frontal assault in broad daylight?"

" Works for me." sighed Ibiki.

" Rawr!"

-----

It was a pleasant village. The ninja there were proud of their jobs, serving Orochimaru-sama and protecting the small mine and rice farms.

" Morning." said the jounin in charge of the garrison to the genin on gate duty. She didn't have a lot of underlings, so she tried to stay on good terms with them all. The genin saluted and stood at attention. " Anything interesting happen?"

" Two travelers arrived and requested to enter the village." reported a genin. At Orochimaru's command, nobody could enter or exit a village in the country without permission of the villages ranking ninja. It gave him a good deal more control over the comings and goings of people.

" Let them in for inspection." said the jounin, preparing herself. She didn't expect anything from the travelers, but it paid to be ready for trouble. The genin led in a young woman in rather skimpy clothes and a middle aged man with a bad toupee. She didn't make any mention yet, but she could see that they were using the transformation technique to disguise themselves.

" Hi!" said the woman, waving.

" Greetings." she replied. " What is your purpose in coming here?"

" Were gonna kidnap a bunch of people and torture them." said the girl with a sweet smile. The genin stepped back in apparent shock.

" Anko…." sighed Ibiki, face-palming. " We disguised ourselves so we could sneak in."

" We're not going with the daylight assault?" asked Anko, sounding confused.

" No. You wanted to sneak in a get some dango first, remember?"

" Oh yeah!" Anko said, chuckling nervously. " I guess I kinda botched that. Hey, Naruto, you can come out!"

" Rawr!" growled the chibi Kyuubi, bounding out of the trees towards them. The jounin felt her stomach tying itself in a knot with fear while the genin began to panic. Before the genin could run away, one of Naruto's tails lashed out, curled around them one by one, then lifting them into the air. They struggled and tried hacking at the tail, but their kunai couldn't even scratch it.

" So, how many flunkies you got?" Anko asked, dispelling the disguise.

" Sound the alarm!" shouted the jounin, throwing a kunai at Anko. Anko caught it by biting down on the point of the blade before spitting it back. The jounin leapt into the air to dodge, but was caught by another of Naruto's tails and held fast. The chunnin and genin stationed in the village began to arrive, heeding their commanders call.

Thirty seconds, later, they were all entangled in Naruto's tails.

" All right, lets head out!" cheered Anko, pointing to the woods. Naruto strode forward proudly, the platoon of ninja dragged helplessly behind him.

----

" All of you, to your assigned seat." said Ibiki. Slightly confused at the presence of a number of tables in the forest but glad to get away from the Kyuubi, the Sound ninja rushed to the seats. Awaiting them was a pencil and a piece of paper with a number of questions on it.

" As you can see, you will be taking a written exam." said Ibiki, pacing back and forth. Anko took up position by him while Naruto circled the tables. He kept licking his lips and looking at the various ninja as if sizing them up. It had been Ibiki's idea to do that to scare the Sound ninja, making them easier to work with. Anko had been in favor of some anal probing with Snake Arms, but to each their own. " Each question is about things such as troop deployments, techniques, the number of jounin under Orochimaru's command, and the like. I want you to spill your gut's and betray your country."

" Why should we?" asked the jounin, gulping as Naruto's tail brushed against her.

" Well, if you don't, the Kyuubi will eat you for one." said Anko, smiling childishly as the Sound ninja began to sweat. " Two, if you do, I'll be your bestest friend!

" There is another option." said Ibiki, straightening his jacket. " If you can tell me where Orochimaru's lair is, I will excuse you and two of people of your choice."

" I know!" shouted one genin, hopping to his feet. The Sound ninja didn't know, but he was actually a shadow clone that had taken on one of their number's appearance. Ibiki walked over and faced the clone.

" Tell me while you look into my eyes." growled Ibiki.

" Theres…there's this building…in the mountains…" stuttered the clone.

" Liar." growled Ibiki, turning and walking away. Naruto lashed a tail around the clone and drug it off into the trees, out of sight. Naruto resisted the urge to snicker as he and the clone began their performance.

" What are you doing!" screamed the clone melodramatically. " No! No! No no no!"

" ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAR!"

" Anyone else?" asked Ibiki, looking over the Sound ninja with a dangerous glint in his eyes as the sounds of a demon messily tearing someone limb from limb and devouring them filtered though the forest.. The Sound ninja were too terrified to react as they listened with rapidly emptying bladders.

----

" Wow." was all Tsunade could say.

Not only had they gotten what Ibiki believed was a reliable lead on Orochimaru's whereabouts from the jounin, not only had each of the sound ninja filled the tests out in excruciating detail, giving them massive amounts of intelligence on the Sound country, but they had convinced the garrison to abandon their country and join Kohona.

Needless to say, she was impressed. Naruto, Ibiki, and Anko stood proudly as the ANBU kept an eye on the Sound ninja.

" How'd you get them to join?" asked Tsunade, looking thought the papers.

" We told them Naruto wouldn't eat someone from Kohona." Anko replied, smiling at her deviousness.

" Awww. Wut a good widdle boy." Tsunade said, scratching behind Naruto's ear. The ex-Sound ninja watched in shock as the Kyuubi leaned into the rub and let out a purr like sound. " Well, Anko, I guess you earned it."

" Earned what?" asked Anko, blinking. A moment later Shizune appeared, leading a pink pony up to Anko and handing the reigns to her.

" Eeeee!" cheered Anko giddily. " I'm going to feed you to my snakes! And then I'll name you Bubbles!"

Naruto and Ibiki sweat dropped as the poor doomed pony was led away.

" Hey, Naruto…by the by…." said Tsunade, looking mischievous. " I have a few debt collectors from other villages. If your ever feeling peckish…"

" Rawr." growled Naruto, flatly refusing.

----

" Mmm." said Guy contentedly, taking a bite of the steaks that Anko had spent the evening grilling up. Most of the members of the barracks were standing in line, as having a real meal was a rare thing. ( Most of the cafeteria food was the stuff the Academy had served the day before.) " These are delicious! Where did you get them?"

" Oh, my snakes weren't hungry, so I just cut up the pony and fired up the barbeque." said Anko as she turned over one of the steaks and sprinkled on some more salt.

" Really?" asked Lee, his eyebrows arching as he chewed. "I would have never guessed! As Guy-sensei said, these are amazing!"

" You've really outdone yourself, Anko." said Ibiki.

" I've fed you horses before."

" No. I mean the fact you made a chef hat out of it's skin."

In the corner, Naruto was tearing into one of the ponies hind leg's. Sure, eating a big, raw chunk of meat was disturbing and in no was as good as ramen, but it was strangely filling. He non-nomed on the meat, making litte happy-demon noises.

" Make your goddamn move!" the old man yelled at the skeleton, neither of which had touched their dinner yet.

" Rawr." Naruto said.

" I know he's dead, but it's his goddamn move! I can't go until he does!"

"…"

Naruto extended his tail over to one of the skeletons pawns and pushed it forwards one square.

" Finally!" said the old man, giving Naruto a thankful look. " Knight takes pawn. Your move."

"…"

" Did you hear me? Your move?"

Naruto, knowing things were not going to improve, left to enjoy his chunk of pony elsewhere.

" Hey!" said a familiar voice. He turned and saw Sakura and Sasuke walking towards him. " We finally got the time to visit you!" said the pink haired girl in a friendly tone.

" Rawr!" replied Naruto, smiling widely.

" What…is that?" asked Sasuke, pointing to the bloody leg. Naruto growled and held it protectively, as if he expected Sasuke to try and steal it.

" Hey, where's the pony Tsunade-sama gave Anko?" asked Sakura, looking around. " She bought it from my aunt. I really wanted to see it! It sounded sooooo cute"

" Sakura-chan!" cheered Lee, running over. " How good to see you!"

" Hi Lee." said Sakura, sighing.

" You must try this!" said Lee, handing Sakura and Sasuke both a plate. Looking skeptical but not turning down a free steak, both of them but a small chunk from the meat and began to chew.

" What…is this?" asked Sasuke, swallowing.

" It's really good!" said Sakura in surprise. " It's tender and perfectly cooked!"

" It's a pony!" said Lee, giving them a thumbs up. " Anko cooked it!"

Sakura and Sasuke stopped chewing. They looked at each other, then to their plates, then to Naruto, who was still keeping the bloody limb away from Sasuke.

Then the vomited like nobody had ever vomited before.

" Naruto-kun!" screamed a shrill voice. He turned away from his puking teammates to see Hinata storming towards him. " You've been avoiding me for almost a week!"

_I was?_ he thought, confused.

" I was given this by…by that skank!" said Hinata, quite livid as she handed the poster Anko had been handing out about Naruto's virginity. " How could you? With her? How could you not notice me? HOW?"

Naruto was about to call a time out to figure out what she was saying when she kicked him in the face, knocking him over. Before he could recover she activated the Divine Sixty-Four Strikes and began Jyuuken-pummeling him in the balls.

" Woah." said Anko, leaning over and watching. _Little Miss Hyuuga's got issues. Hope she doesn't mess anything up permanently._

Naruto was reduced to a twitching heap as Hinata gave his crotch one last punch, making him give out a high pitched whine. She turned to the shocked looking Lee, ignoring the vomitourious Uchiha and Haruno.

" You. Me. Neji's bedroom. Eight thirty. Be there." said Hinata in a threatening tone before storming off. Lee gulped and wrote down her orders in his little notebook.

-------

" Aaaannndd here we are again." Naruto said to himself, looking around the Kyuubi's cage. He's be happy to pass out from the pain, but his situation was not too much improved.

" Welcome back, kit." said the canned Kyuubi voice. " If your hearing this, it means that you suck so much your going to need my help to figure out your powers."

" I have powers?" asked Naruto, blinking.

" First, and most importantly, as you can't even fight your way out of a empty closet without getting stabbed by a kunai, regeneration. Just focus your chakra to the injury and it will start to heal. It's pretty easy, so you should get it."

" Okay." said Naruto, thinking there might be some hope for his battered testicles yet.

" Second, the Kyuubi Cannon!" said the fox in a dramatic tone. " Just expel a bunch of chakra, swallow it, and cough it back out. It's completely awesome. Try it against that snake bastard. Or anyone, really. If you want to go down the path of evil, please do."

" Not going to happen, but thanks for the move."

" Finally. I bet you're a little tired of being stuck in that form."

" Oh, yes yes yes!" said Naruto eagerly. He had been hoping something like this would come up.

" I'm going to let you figure that on your own."

" You stupid fox! If you weren't dead I'd kill you!"

" Well, hope that helps!" said the Kyuubi before the cage disappeared.

----

" Stupid main house." mumbled Neji under his breath as he walked towards his room. It had been a long, hard day training with his team. Lee had been exceptionally annoying today, and now all he wanted to do was sleep. He threw open his door.

Revealing Hinata, who was forcefully making out with a terrified looking Lee on Neji's bed.

The Hyuuga prodigy shut the door. He turned slowly and walked towards the meeting hall, where Hiashi and the clan elders were discussing something.

" Hiashi-sama." said Neji, entering a bowing.

" Yes?" asked the clan head, annoyed to be interrupted.

" Permission to gouge out my eyes and leave the clan."

"…"

" Denied."

_Drat._ thought Neji. He was going to have to burn everything in his room now, as it was contaminated by Youth and the Main House Cooties. For now, though, he was going to beat his head against a wall for a few hours and try to get the image out of his mind.

-----

" What the hell is with those people?" asked Sakura, still shell shocked. She had wrapped herself in a blanket the moment she had gotten home, shuddering in horror. Ino and Tenten were there to comfort her.

" They aren't called crazy for nothing." said Tenten sympathetically.

" But Naruto! He'd never do something like that!" Sakura protested.

" He's been left there for a few weeks. He might have been infected. Plus, you know…he is kinda half demon." said Ino, eating a scoop of ice cream. It was their usual comfort food, but Sakura couldn't eat.

" I just…I'm going to be sick again." said Sakura, turning green.

-----

" What the hell is with those people?" asked Sasuke, still shell shocked. He had wrapped herself in a blanket the moment he had gotten home, shuddering in horror. He was talking to pictures of his mother and father, like he usually did.

" They aren't called crazy for nothing." said Mother's Picture sympathetically.

" Foolish Little Brother!" yelled Evil Brother's picture from the box he kept it locked in.

" Shut up weasel-bastard! Anyways, Naruto would never do that!" Sasuke protested.

" He's been left there for a few weeks. He might have been infected. Plus, you know…he is kinda half demon." said Fathers Picture, before adding. " And don't talk to your brother like that."

" I just…I'm going to be sick again." said Sasuke, turning green and opening the box Evil Brother's picture was kept in.

" Foolish Little Brother, what are you…" Evil Brother's picture began to ask before he was splattered with vomit.

_Heh. Awesome._ thought Sasuke as Evil Brothers picture vanished. _I'll try that next time we fight._

------

Jiraiya was deeply disturbed.

Which was a novel experience. It was usually his job to be disturbing people.

But when a video tape from a certain hot student of his former teammate had shown up in the mail, marked with three x's, he really hadn't had any choice. The tape was going into the VCR, no doubt about it.

But when it started….

" Rawr!"

" Oh! Oh god! Left! Left! Right! Left!"

" Rawr."

" No! I rented the costume! It doesn't matter! Left!"

" RAWR!"

Jiraiya's eye twitched.

A steady stream of blood was flowing from his nose, mixing with the tears of horror coming from his wide eyes. He had always assumed that he had seen and done just about every dirty thing possible.

Which, he now knew, was far from true.

Sure, he didn't have four prehensile tails. And he didn't know the Hidden Snake Arms technique. And he certainly had never considered a fox costume, dango, or a pink fur chef hat as marital aides.

But he'd be damned if those things weren't in his next book.

_I'll get started after I watch it again._ he thought, pushing rewind.

------

" Naruto!" called Tsunade, walking though the barracks. She wanted to find the boy as soon as possible. She'd just finished talking with the elder council and had convinced them Naruto was no longer a threat. The sooner she got him back into his old apartment, the better. This building did things to people. She walked though a door into a room she could hear some music playing.

And found the chibi Kyuubi lounging in a recliner, ice on his crotch, listening to polka.

" Naruto." she said softly, resisting the urge to back out of the room. Naruto turned to her and gave a 'Rawr!" of greetings and smiled. " I've just finished with the elder council. You can move back into your old apartment now."

" Rawr!" purred Naruto, trying to stand. He immediately winced.

" What happened?"

" Rawr."

" Hinata…punched you in the balls?" Tsunade said, cocking an eyebrow.

" Rawr."

" You can regenerate?"

" Rawr."

" Hinata did so much damage you can't heal it yet?"

" Rawr?"

"…"

" No, Naruto, I'm noting going to use Heavenly Palm on your crotch."

" Rawr." whined Naruto, ears drooping.

-----

After Tsunade had used Wheelchair no Jutsu, Naruto had finally escaped from the barracks. She was wheeling him though the village. The ninja and villagers kept their distance from Naruto and gave many fearful looks, at least until they noticed the ice packs, at which point there was much blushing and confusion. Using her Super Strength Tsunade carried him up to his apartment, which had a new door. She wheeled him into his room and dumped him onto the bed.

" Rawr." Naruto growled in a thankful tone. Tsunade smiled and walked out. Naruto pulled his walrus cap over his head and drifted off to sleep.

----

Naruto woke with a start.

_I havn't gone to the bathroom in a month. OH CRAP I GOTTA CRAP. _

He leapt to his feet and raced to his bathroom and sat down on the toilet just in time. His chronic diarrhea didn't seem affected by him becoming a demon, leaving him stuck on the john for quite some time.

----

" I hope he's awake." said Sakura, knocking on the door. She and Sasuke had decided to come by first thing in the morning to see how Naruto was doing. They were hoping that he'd be more normal.

_Deux Ex Machina!_ thought Sasuke, opening the door when Naruto didn't answer. He and Sakura walked into the apartment, which seemed the same as it had the month before. Suddenly, there was the sound of a small explosion in the bedroom.

" Do you think he was attacked?" said Sakura, terrified. She wouldn't put it past some of the villagers. But…she also remembered the last time she barged in.

" I'll check." said Sasuke, pushing the door open. He found the room empty, but a red tail snaked out of the bathroom and dropped Naruto's sleeping cap on his bed.

" Naruto...what are you…gak!" Sasuke gagged as he neared the door. A moste vile odor was pouring from the bathroom, like a mixture of poo, espresso, and melted metal.

" Rawr!" Naruto called from the bathroom.

" I…won't bring you toilet paper." gasped Sasuke, overwhelmed by the fumes.

" Rawr?"

" I…I'm no good at crossword puzzles. I'll….I'll get Sakura." said Sasuke, rushing from the room. A moment later the pink haired girl entered wearing a gas mask.

"Rawr?"

" A eight letter word for the space above your eyes?" Sakura repeated, thinking deep. " Fore…head…."

" Rawr!" purred Naruto, finishing his crossword.


	5. Chapter 5

Lee had been pathetically bad at kissing.

That hadn't been why Hinata had grabbed him. She just wanted to screw with Neji so she didn't take her anger out on Naruto anymore. Sure, he had betrayed her, but she still loved the bastard.

Which is why she had just kicked open the door to his apartment.

Naruto, who had been cooking ramen, looked to her with surprise. He immediately flinched, remembering the last time he'd seen him and he whimpered in expectation of what was going to come. Hinata stormed over to him, her white eyes narrowed. She pushed him onto the floor and leapt onto his stomach, holding his head so he was looking into her eyes.

" Naruto-kun, you and I are going to do everything you did with Anko or you die. Got it?" said the Hyuuga Heiress in a dark voice.

Before Naruto could answer, a blue chakra began to flow around him and he vanished in a puff of smoke.

----

Naruto didn't know how, but he was suddenly sitting in a waiting room besides Gamachi, Gamabunta's son.

" Oh, hey Naruto." said the little frog, waving. " You here for your license too?"

" What?" asked Naruto. " Hey, I can talk!"

" Yeah. Your in the Department of Summonable Creatures, so a communication jutsu's working on you." explained the baseball sized toad.

" Oh. Cool. So, what's this about the license?" asked Naruto, glad to actually be able to communicate again.

" Your license to be a summonable creature." said the toad nervously. " My dad's pretty mad about me answering a few summons without a license, so that's why I'm here."

" Why do you need one?" asked Naruto, sitting back in his chair and reaching towards the water cooler with one of his tails and pouring himself a cup.

" It means your qualified to answer summons and are officially on the register." explained Gamachi. " If you are summoned somewhere and killed and not on the register, nobody knows where to look for your body. Plus, you can only be summoned for things your rated for."

" Like what?"

" Combat, chores, there's a bunch of categories. Dad's only letting me get a license to be a practice summon." The small frog sighed, seeming unhappy with his fathers limitations.

" Is there a Naruto Kyuubi here?" inquired a skeleton in black robes leaning out of the door to the next room.

" I'm Naruto Uzamaki." said Naruto.

" Oh, you're the Jinchuuriki." said the skeleton, motioning for him to come. " We need to discuss some things." Naruto stood up and followed it into the office, taking a seat. The chair seemed perfectly designed for someone with tails, much to his surprise.

" So, are you death or something?" asked Naruto.

" No, no, I just look like the grim reaper. We're cousins." said the skeleton with a laugh. " I'm the god of paperwork."

_Oh shit._ thought Naruto, sweating a drop of red chakra. It sounded like this would take a long time.

" Your files got a few notes on it. Since the Kyuubi's passed away, the role of head kitsune passes to you." explained the skeleton.

" There are others?" asked Naruto in surprise.

" There were." said the god of paperwork with a sigh. " The Village of Foxes used to be pretty big, but the last Kyuubi was a complete psycho. He killed them one day for no reason, then went to the human world for lunch and got caught and stuffed into your stomach."

" Oh." said Naruto, blinking.

" Now, as a human/demon hybrid, you won't grow in power as you age like most kitsune, so we need to adjust your tails to the correct amount." continued the skeleton. He snapped his fingers and five new tails suddenly and uncomfortable sprung out on Naruto's butt. However, other that that, he didn't change in appearance. " I can't change your size, since your half human, but the number of tails is required. Now, you'll probably want to start the summoning fox village back up, so I have a list of vixens that should be suitable."

" For now I'll pass." said Naruto. He wasn't interested in that.

"Since you're the last of the summoning foxes, your going to have to answer all the summons they get."

Naruto began to sweat. That sounded like a lot. Maybe…he'd have to consider the vixens.

" Buuut….the summoning scroll for the foxes was recently damaged in a fire and is probably unusable, and only two living people have signed it, you don't need to worry too much."

" Who signed it?" asked Naruto, interest piqued. He was quite glad he wasn't going to be popping in and out of existence a lot.

" One's named Tobi. It's not his real name, but his files above my clearance. Another was just last night. Some little girl named Nasuko Tatsumaki." said the skeleton. " If you want to create a new summoning scroll, we can talk about it, but I get the feeling that your not interested in that."

" Not at all." said Naruto, sighing in relief.

" Then that just leaves the documentation." said the Skelton, pulling out a three inch stack of papers.

_Time to stretch my power as head kitsune._ thought Naruto. Before the skeleton could react he shredded the papers with his new tails.

" You…my papers!" said the god of paperwork, becoming livid. " Get out and never come back!" it yelled. To Naruto's relief, there was another blast of smoke and he vanished.

----

Naruto was unsure why he was in Anko's room.

Until he noticed it was his room, and Anko was redecorating.

" Rawr!" growled Naruto as Anko came in with a bucket of snakes.

" Hey! Hinata's looking for you." said Anko with a smile. Whimpering, Naruto crept under the bed. "Don't worry, she's not here. By the way, me, Lee, Guy, and Ibiki are moving in."

" Rawr?"

" I burnt down the barracks."

Naruto stared blankly at the madwoman.

" What? Fire is so pretty!" she said, getting a dreamy look in her eyes. " How was I supposed to know wood burns? Hey, you have more tails!" Anko pointed out, changing topics instantly.

" Rawr."

" You got promoted to head kitsune? Lucky! Let's celebrate with dango!" said Anko, patting him on the head.

" Naruto!" cried Guy, prancing into the room in a green bathrobe. " I must thank you for giving me the couch to sleep on! Your youthful generosity almost equals Lees!"

Naruto turned and gave Anko a scandalized look.

" What?" she asked, shrugging. " I told Lee he could have the recliner, so I had to give Guy something."

" We're out of toilet paper and the sinks stopped up." said Ibiki, walking out of the bathroom with a written exam under his arm. Naruto curled up under the bed and began to sob.

----

" I want dango!" Anko yelled, banging her hands on the small kitchen table she, The Spandex Duo, and Ibiki were sitting at. They had whined about Naruto being a good host until he agreed to make them breakfast. Naruto ignored Anko's demand. First, he didn't have any dango, and second, the only food he could cook was ramen. " Dango dango dango! The pretty princess demands dango!"

" Rawr!" said the chibi-Kyuubi, bringing a large pot of ramen over to the table and setting it down. The others all looked in slowly.

" Naruto…I don't suppose you have anything else? I'm not sure ramen would taste too youthful with my coffee." said Guy, looking to Naruto.

_I don't have a coffee mak….oh crap. _Naruto's eyes bugged as he realized what was going to happed. One of his tails shot out of a window and down towards the street, where it knocked over a ninja and stole his coffee cup.

" Rawr." apologized Naruto, pointing to the ramen. Guy sighed and dished himself up a bowl as Naruto set the coffee cup down by Guy. _Crisis averted._

" Is this all you have?" asked Anko, looking unhappy. Naruto nodded yes. " You're the worst demon ever!' sobbed Anko, falling to the floor and beating her hands on the ground in a tantrum. " Your mean and evil! I hate you!"

" Dango withdrawal." said Ibiki calmly, taking a bite of noodles. " It happens every time we steal someone's house."

_Every…time?_

" pure malice!" Anko yelled as she leapt to her feet. She began to poke Lee in the side of the head, but the boy didn't seem to notice.

_I think I like her better like this._ thought Naruto as he took a large bite of noodles. _Usually she'd be raping me about now._

" Naruto!" cried Sakura, running into the room. " Sasuke-kun left for the Sound village!"

" Rawr?!?" growled Naruto, leaping over to the sobbing kunochi.

" He left last night." sobbed the girl. " I couldn't stop him!"

" Rawr!" said Naruto, giving the thumbs up and racing out the door.

_He'd be willing to risk his life to go save Sasuke-kun for me and all I need to do is make breakfast for his guests?_ she thought gratefully. _Naruto….thank you._

Suddenly, she realized Anko was poking her in the side of the head.

_Naruto, you bastard._ thought Sakura, eye twitching as she turned and saw the people Naruto had over for breakfast.

" Sakura-chan! Do you want to go out with me?"

" There's glass in my coffee! That is unyouthful! _MUST KILL EVERYONE!_"

" Care for a written test?"

----

_Stupid Sasuke._ thought Naruto, dashing though the trees. He could smell Sasuke, who has joined several other people, so it wasn't hard to follow.

BOOM went another explosive tag by him, though he just powered through the flames. The first one he had run into taught him something very important: He was very hard to hurt in this form.

The next twenty had given him plenty of wounds to practice the regeneration technique on.

Leaping out of the trees and onto the edge of a river, he saw a group of sound ninja opening a bucket on the other side. Growling in rage he ran across the river, which steamed as he touched it.

" Oh…look at this." said a man with several extra arms.

" Looks tasty." said a large fat man with weird hair.

" The fuck?" said a girl with a flute. " It's a demon and the first thing you think of is eating it?"

" My lipsticks smeared. Give me a moment." said the freaky transvestite thing with two heads.

Naruto looked over the ninja as smoke began to rise from the bucket. Sasuke, laughing manically, stepped out. Naruto could tell that his power had increased a lot and wondered what was in the bucket.

" I guess we'll stop you for Sasuke-sama." said the guy with a bunch of arms. Naruto sighed and lashed out with his tails, impaling each of the four sound ninja twice (with one tail left over) and smashing them into the cliff. They were buried with rubble and twenty episodes of fighting was saved.

" Naruto." said Sasuke, looking up at the chibi-Kyuubi. " I'm going to Orochimaru. Please turn back."

" Rawr."

" I am not going to go suck on his cock for awesome super-sayian powers!" Sasuke yelled defensively. Naruto blinked. " That…that wasn't what you said, was it." said Sasuke, blushing slightly.

" Rawr." said Naruto, shaking his head no.

" Oh." Sasuke blushed slightly. _That's exactly what your thinking of doing, isn't it_? thought Naruto, inching back from his friend. " I…uh…Its…uh…."

Seizing his chance, Naruto hatched his plan.

" ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAR." he roared in his least pleasant tone, blasting a massive amount of chakra out as he did so. There was a pleasantly muted hush as the roar faded, leaving only the dripping sound of Sasuke peeing his pants.

" Rawr." said Naruto, smiling, which roughly translated to " There! Think Orochimaru will take you in like that?"

" Fine." sighed Sasuke. " I'll come back. Just tell everyone we had some sort of awesome fight, okay?"

" Rawr!"

----

" Orochimaru-sama, don't worry. Many men your age have similar problems." said Kabuto, trying to cheer up his depressed and injured master.

" But…bladder control problems? Who could take me serious if this got out?" sobbed the Snake Sannin.

" Well, hopefully when you take over Sasuke's body that will go away." sighed Kabuto. Orochimaru was such a drama queen.

-----

" Sasuke-kun!" said Sakura, running up as Naruto strode into town, a sulking Uchiha on his back. They both looked like they had fell into a river.

" Rawr!" said Naruto, wrapping a tail around Sasuke and holding him towards Sakura. The Uchiha struggled, annoyed at his inglorious presentation.

" Sorry for hitting you." sighed Sasuke. Naruto had made it part of the deal for him to apologize. He would have anyways, but having Naruto order him to was annoying.

" I forgive you, Sasuke-kun." said Sakura with a dreamy look on her face. She then walked over to Naruto.

" I got Anko under control." she whispered into his ear. " It just took some dango." Naruto sighed. He'd been worried Sakura would do that. " And…I also want to tell you thanks." she said, giving him a glowing smile. " I still like Sasuke-kun….but if he dies or something I'll come to you, okay?"

" Rawr!" said Naruto, smiling widely. It was all he could have ever hoped for. Unconsciously, his tail began to squeeze the Uchiha around the throat, trying to hasten Sakura's promise.

----

Naruto was sitting at the ramen stand, enjoying his fourth bowl of ramen. Walking through Kohona had been better than usual, with only two people running in terror. It seemed like the village was getting used to having a resident demon. They also hadn't seemed to notice the new tails.

" Rawr!" cheered Naruto, digging into the noodles merrily. Ayame knew he meant " Ramen is the best!", so she gave him a smile and began to prepare another bowl.

" **Naruto-kun.**" said a voice behind him. Naruto found it interesting, as he had been testing peoples bladder control so much lately, that now he was trying so hard not to wet himself. He slowly turned, revealing Hinata, a crazed smile on her face. " **You got away last time,**" she said, advancing menacingly. " **But this time…your all mine.**"

Naruto wasn't sure what scared him more. The fat that Hinata was speaking in a deep bass or the fact that he was about to be raped by a twelve year old girl.

But, again, before she could grab him, there was a glow of blue chakra and he vanished in a puff of smoke.

----

" I did it!" squealed a girl, jumping up and down. He had appeared in a classroom similar to the Kohona Academy, which was filled with amazed looking students and a terrified looking woman with a Lightning Village headband.

" How…." said the woman, who Naruto guessed was the instructor, breathlessly, looking to the girl. She had long blonde hair pulled back into pigtails and resembled the girl Naruto changed into using the Sexy Technique, only clothed in a pink coat and pants strangely similar to Naruto's old orange one and more towards genin age.

" Well, since the only technique I'm good at is the Sexy Technique, sensei," the girl explained, looking proud of herself. " I thought I should learn a new one. So I broke into the scroll library and found this only burnt thing that said it could be used to summon foxes."

" That's a incredibly complicated technique!" said the instructor, alarmed. " While I'm glad you decided to stop using your perverted jutsu, it's just not possible for you to have learned that in one night!"

" Actually, it is." Naruto said. " I did something like that once."

" It is?" said the instructor, looking amazed.

" You understood me?" Naruto blurted in surprise.

" Yes, kitsune. All summoned creatures can understand their masters language and speak it." said the instructor.

" She isn't my master!" growled Naruto.

" Yes I am! I summoned you, you gotta do what I say!"

" Like hell!" snarled Naruto, getting annoyed. _Now I get why Gamabunta was so pissed when I first summoned him. _" I'm the head kitsune! If anything, your going to be my underling!"

" The...head kitsune?" said the instructor, alarmed. " You're the Kyuubi?"

" Nope!" said Naruto, smiling. " Naruto no Kitsune! The summoning foxes are under new, less evil management."

" I don't care who you are!" yelled the girl. " I'm your boss!"

" Here, I'll make you a deal." said Naruto, smiling sinisterly. " You can hold onto my tails until nightfall, I'll acknowledge you and do what you say when you summon me." _No way she can do that._ he thought.

" Deal! But I have to warn you, I'm Nasuko Tatsumaki, the next Raikage!" yelled the girl as she glomped one of his tails. _God, she's annoying._ thought Naruto, racing out the door and into the street.

He'd never seen a picture of the Lightning village, but found it to be a lot like Kohona, just without trees. In fact, the buildings were all rather short, designed not to attract the village's trademark electricity jutsu. He leapt onto low rooftop and began racing across town, his tails flowing behind him with the girl holding on for dead life.

He smirked, thinking of how he was going to dislodge her.

----

" How are you still on?" he gasped, crawling forward on the ground. The sun was rapidly setting and his time was running out, but after hours of trying to dislodge the brat, he'd only managed to tire both of them out.

" I never ….give up!" shouted the girl wearily as she was dragged across the ground.

Naruto growled, desperately thinking for some way to dislodge the girl. He'd swam underwater a dozen times like Gamabunta had, but that hadn't worked. He'd tried flicking her off his tails, but she just grappled back on with wires. He'd ran as fast as he could and almost broke the sound barrier in the middle of town, but she was still on his tail.

Suddenly, Naruto's attention was caught by a familiar smell.

" Ramen!" he gasped, sniffing and looking in the direction the scent came from. His eyes settled on the small stand and he leapt to his feet, racing forwards with unimaginable speed. He hadn't eaten in hours and was as hungry as he had ever felt.

However, despite his ramen-lust, he was able to sense the girl dislodge from his tail.

He turned back to see her tumbling helplessly though the air. He deftly caught her with his tails before she hit anything, cradling the unconscious girl safely.

_I guess she passed out._ he thought to himself, sighing. He looked up to the sun, which would be setting in mere moments. _She got pretty close, just like I did. I guess that's good enough. I should take her to the hospital, but I really want some ramen…._

Realizing he had no money, he decided to hell with it. As the terrified patrons of the stand watched the demon fox came over, lashed a tail out and wrapped it around a pot of ramen, drew it to his mouth, and chugged it down before racing off.

------

He arrived back in Kohona with the telltale poof. He'd made it to the hospital and dropped the girl off, then went and got some more ramen. One of the perks of being a demon seemed to be people were willing to give you free things if you growled meanly enough.

He walked down the dark streets of the village, completely exhausted. The night air was cool and relaxing, and as he walked up the stairs to his apartment he had begun to get sleepy and was looking forward to his bed. He opened the door and walked in. Guy, Ibiki, and Lee were sleeping ( on the sofa, recliner, and floor, respectively). He cringed when he saw a number of holes in his wall that made it look like Guy had been boxing with his apartment. Sighing, he quietly slunk to the door to his room and opened it.

Revealing Anko in a mesh nightgown.

" Hey there." she said villainously. Naruto spun, finally remembering his room was no longer his, and tried to flee, but she grabbed onto one of his tails and drug with whimpering kitsune in and shut the door, clicking the lock ominously.


	6. Chapter 6

If it wasn't for his newly improved rate of regeneration, Naruto would have died. Anko had been….raring to go the night before. ( He had been too, once she broke out the fox costume, but he asked me not to write that.)

But now, she was demanding her favorite breakfast.

" The pretty princess wants dango!" she yelled, banging her fist on the table. Ibiki was doing crosswords while Lee and Guy watched the new coffee maker intently. Guy had decided that it was time for Lee to start partaking in the beverage to increase the power of his youth, which Lee had been delighted by.

Naruto was making breakfast again, which was his speciality, ramen.

_Did I even get any yesterday?_ he wondered, not fully remembering. The day had been bizarre. Hinata, that little brat that had summoned him, the flying monkeys….it just all blended together.

Even though he had just imagined the monkeys.

" Rawr!" he growled cheerfully, putting a bowl of ramen in front of each of the people who were now inexplicably living in his house.

" This isn't dango!" cried Anko, looking hurt. " Mom! The mean demons not making me what I wanted for breakfast!" she yelled over her shoulder.

" Dango withdrawl." said Ibiki when Naruto looked to him in confusion. " The tantrum begins in three….two…one…."

" Waaaaaaa!" she cried, beating her fists on the floor.

_Sigh_ Naruto thought. He would have sighed out loud, but his mouth was full of ramen and it would be a bad idea to do so.

" My first cup of coffee!" Lee cheered, looking at the mug Guy had set in front of him.

" You may wish to sweeten it." said Guy, flashing a smile. " The cream makes it less bitter and adds extra sugar, and therefore, extra youthfulness!"

" Yes, Guy-sensei!" said Lee, taking the small metal cream dish that was by Ibiki's coffee cup. Lee poured some in and took a deep drink.

" Oh, hey…you should pour that out." said Ibiki quickly. " I like Irish cream in my coffee."

" What is that?" asked Guy, his large brow furrowing.

" It's cream with this hard foreign liquor in it." said Ibiki. Realizing what had just happened, he and Naruto looked to each other and gulped.

" YOU DARE PROFANE COFFEE WITH ALCOHOL?" screamed Guy, eyes gone red with fury.

" Guy-shenshei….the room ish spinnink!" said Lee, his eyes drooping as he began to sway. There was a short silence as Naruto and Ibiki came to peace with the fact they were about to die.

Then, in tandem, the Youth Brigade leapt to attack.

-----

" Lee's broken though sector five!" screamed Tsunade over a loudspeaker. " ANBU, get into pursuit, medic-nin to the area!"

" Hokage-sama!" cried Iruka, running to the base of the building Tsunade was giving orders from. She saw another building collapse out of the corner of her vision as Lee punted Naruto though it. If it wasn't for the chibi-Kyuubi taking the brunt of the drunken masters attacks ( even though he had lost consciousness a dozen times ) things would have been a lot worse.

" Yes?" Tsunade asked, her voice reverberating over the speakers and causing a window to break.

" Guy is in the academy!" reported Iruka, pointing to a black eye. " He attacked during recess and began punching all the students!"

" Damn!" Tsunade swore over the speakers for all of the village to hear. First a nursing home, then playground, now the academy? _At least Lee attacks people who can fight. It's like he enjoys beating up the weak in this state. _

" Rawr!" roared Naruto, coming as he landed in a tree. Lee was already dashing for him again. Naruto arced his tails in a complex and hard to dodge pattern to slow the boy down, but it was to no avail. As if he was made of jelly he dodged around in impossible ways, bending incredibly. _I bet Anko'd be interested in that. _thought Naruto as Lee's fist connected with his jaw.

" AH HA HA HA!" cackled Guy, holding a cookie slightly out of reach of a young Akimachi, who was struggling to jump high enough to grab it. " HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT, YOU UNYOUTHFUL BALL OF CRISCO!" Tiring of taunting the boy, Guy grabbed him and stuffed him into a locker, and shut the door. He leapt back, dodging a shuriken that a Yamanaka had thrown.

" OOH! I HAVE A PERFECT WAY TO DESTROY YOU!" yelled Guy, grabbing the bag of snacks he had taken from the Akimachi and taking out a cake. He advanced on the small blonde girl and forced the cake into her trembling hands. " EAT! EAT IT ALL OR YOU DIE!"

" No…no!" she sobbed. " I'll get fat!"

" WHO CARES?" cackled Guy. " YOUR YOUTH IS AT A END!"

" This is too troublesome." said a Nara boy, who was hanging from a coathook by his underwear several feet off the ground.

" Now!" cried a group of young Inuzuka, charging in a wave attack with a pack of young dogs.

" YOSH! I HAD WISHED TO TEST THIS MOST YOUTHFUL TECHNIQUE!" cried Guy, turning to them. " MULTI-PUPPY-KICK-NO-JUTSU!"

As the Yamakaka forced down a second bite of the chocolate cake ( It was more than her mother would allow in a year. She could feel it going straight to her hips. ) the Inuzuka were scattered, reduced to a whimpering pile of puppies.

" Come on!" yelled Lee, stumbling though the wreckage of the building he had knocked Naruto into. " I'll do shomshin amashink!"

Naruto snarled as batted at Lee with a tail, but the boy just leapt over. _I have to try that thing Kyuubi mentioned._ Naruto thought. He expelled chakra from his body and focused it until it became a black orb, which he bit down on and swallowed. He suddenly felt himself swell and was just about to fire of the super powerful chakra blast when Lee clamped his hands over Naruto's mouth.

As the chakra couldn't escape though his mouth, it came out the other end.

Violently.

" BOOM! HEADSHOT OF YOUTH!" cried Guy, landing a flying kick into a chunnins face. He had battered his way though the academy and was now facing of the meager defenders that were all that stood between him and a daycare center. The chunnin tumbled back, his nose flattened perfectly.

" We must do something, Hokage-sama!" cried Shizune, who was being poked in the side of the head by the dango-deprived Anko.

" We're trying to do something!" Tsunade snapped back, watching as Naruto's flatulent chakra attack disintegrated an abandoned block of the village, reducing one of her favorite bars to ash. _Lee with sake…Guy in full Coffee Rage….there's nothing that can match….oh, maybe there is._

" Hinata! Lee hit Naruto because Guy told him to!" Tsunade yelled over the microphone.

WHAM.

POKE.

CRUMPLE.

" Here they are." said Hinata, landing beside Tsunade with two battered, bruised menaces to society. Lee began to whimper as Hinata tightened her grip on his hair, and so that Guy would not be left out Hinata gave him a kick to the ribs. " They'll be fine unless they mess with Naruto-kun again."

" Nothing like rabid fan girls, eh?" Tsunade whispered to Shizune.

-----

" Rawr." whimpered Naruto, flexing his fifth tail. " I think you broke something it it when you used me as a yoyo, Lee."

" I do not think there are any bones in tails, Naruto." said Lee. He was lying in a hospital bed opposite of Naruto and holding ice to his head, as he had a massive hangover to go with the injuries he had sustained in the fight. He and Naruto had been in the hospital for two days while the carpenter-nin rebuilt the village ( Tsunade was making Ibiki pay for it, since it was his fault.).

Both the boys were in no shape to leave, but that was barely stopping them.

The fact that Hinata was guarding their door was.

" Mail." said a medic-nin, walking in with two identical envelopes.

"Rawr?" growled curiously Naruto while taking the letter, which translated to " I got mail?"

" It's from Gaara!" Lee cried in alarm as he read the address. With great trepidation, they opened the letters, which not only contained sand, but a card!

_Naruto, you are invited to my birthday party. It will be at noon in three days. Be there. There will apparently be cake and ice cream._

" What is this written in?" asked Lee, looking at the red letters.

" Baby blood!" said Anko, appearing out of nowhere and grabbing the card from Naruto. She began to lick the writing. " Mmm…it's the good stuff."

Lee and Naruto sweat dropped as the freakishly weird jounin walked from the room, licking the card contentedly.

" I've never been invited to a birthday party." said Lee, returning focus to the fact that GAARA had invited THEM to his BIRTHDAY PARTY. If ever there was a dangerous sounding situation, this was it.

" Rawr." Naruto nodded. He'd never been either.

" What would be an appropriate present?"

" Rawr?"

" He…he lives in the desert, Naruto. I'm sure he has enough sand. Let's ask Hinata!" Before Naruto could stop him, Lee called out and the Hyuuga walked in. " What would be apportion gift for Gaara?"

" Why would I tell you?"

" Rawr." said Naruto, appearing by her side, holding her close, and looking deep into her eyes.

" A stuffed raccoon." said Hinata adoringly, finally having the touch she had so longed for.

" Rawr!" said Naruto thankfully, letting go of her. In her state of cuteness-induced shock she didn't recover before she landed on her butt. By the time she had recovered enough to chew him out, Naruto and Lee had already left, all injuries magically and inexplicably healed.

(what follows is request by a reviewer to be in the story)

" What's going on?" asked a nurse-nin named Dezric, walking in to check on the patients.

" My foot. Your ass. Two seconds." said Hinata, forcing a Jyuuken spike out of each of her toes. She needed to vent a bit.

Dezric gulped, glad he was already in the hospital.

(end request to be in story. If you want to be in story, just ask! I'm happy to anally abuse you with a Hyuuga of your choice!)

------

The villagers of Suna didn't know what to expect of the day.

Usually, the unfriendly local demon host killed a few extra people to celebrate the day of his birth, but since he had been defeated in the attack on the Leaf village, he had calmed down and had only killed the assassins sent to kill him.

Which was a huge decrease.

But still, he was a demon and they feared him. They were all on alert, despite what Gaara's siblings had told them, because the rumor was that two of Gaara's friends, shinobi that he considered equals, were going to come to the village to celebrate with him.

The thought of two more people as powerful as Gaara being in the city had all but convinced them the death toll would be heavy. Should the two 'friends' be as dangerous as they expected, the village might be evacuated.

-------

" Naruto, there it is!' said Lee, pointing out the distant form of the Sand village.

" Rawr?" offered Naruto.

" A race?" said Lee, raising his massive eyebrows eyebrows. " Yosh! I shall match you with my greatest speed!"

As Naruto forced inhuman amounts of kitsune chakra into his legs, Lee opened the Fifth Inner Gate.

------

" What is that?" asked a guard, pointing into the distance so his buddy could see.

" I don't know. It's coming this way fast, though." said the other guard, squinting. " Hey, there's two of them!"

Twin clouds of sand were rising as two glowing dots, one green, one red, zipped across the horizon towards them.

" Oh shi…." began the guard, but he was cut off when two supersonic blurs passed him.

" **Yosh! I have arrived first!**" cheered Lee in his Gate-induced, totally awesome voice as he landed triumphantly in the center of the village.

" Rawr!" roared Naruto in protest as he skidded to a halt besides him. The two slowly shut of their chakra, which had been radiating out massively, creating whirlwinds in the sand and air. They became aware of a large number of Sand ninja watching them with voided bowls and emptying bladders.

" Hi!" said Lee politely, not realizing what was wrong. " Where is Gaara-kun's house?"

" Rawr!" Naruto roared, seconding the question.

" Run for your lives!" shouted someone, and a moment later the Sand ninja were gone.

_Wow. They must really be afraid of Gaara._ thought Naruto as he and Lee began to wander down the empty streets.

After a bit of seaching, they found a house that had to be the sand siblings residence.

Because the mailbox said 'Sand Siblings' on it.

" Hi!" said Lee, opening the door and holding up the box containing his present. Gaara was seated at a table with his trademark death glare on full and a party hat on his head. Kankuro was sitting with him, playing with a small puppet while Temari looked hungrily at the gourd-shaped cake.

" Bout time." said Kankuro, sighing.

" Rawr!" rawred Naruto rawrously, holding his poorly wrapped present out with a tail. Gaara watched in mild interest as the presents (which were wrapped in official Leaf Village wrapping paper, which is a leaf pattern) were set by the two from his brother and sister.

" Hello." said Gaara quietly as Lee sat down and Naruto used a technique he had just invented to use his tails to make a comfortable seat for himself ( regular chairs no longer worked with all those tails). " What do we do now?"

" You open your presents, then we have cake." said Temari, licking her lips as she examined the cake. It's frosting was decorated so it looked exactly like Gaara's trademark sand-holding-instrument.

" Here's mine!" said Kankuro with a smile, handing a box to Gaara. Gaara tore off the wrapping paper emotionlessly, revealing box full of sand. " I know you were running a little low, so I figured you could use it." said Kankuro as Gaara gave him a thankful look. Naruto gave Lee a annoyed look, since sand would have been a lot cheaper than what they had got.

Temari wordlessly ( which was good, because she was drooling) handed her gift to Gaara. Gaara opened it, revealing a black shirt identical to the one he always wore. He nodded and put it down.

" And here is mine!" cheered Lee, nearly tossing the box as Gaara. Gaara opened it and, to the horror of everyone else, pulled out a green jumpsuit. " I decided on it when I realized that you live in such a warm area. It's material breaths and keeps you dry, is machine washable, and will not impede your movement!"

" Thanks." said Gaara unenthusiastically, putting it back into the box. Though Lee looked proud of himself, Naruto and the others knew that it would never be worn.

" Rawr!" growled Naruto, smiling widely as Gaara too his present. He opened it and his eyes went wide with shock. Temari and Kankuro backed away reflexively, but when Gaara slowly took out a plush raccoon they relaxed.

The tensed up again when Gaara squealed and clutched it to his chest.

" I love it! It's so kawaiii! It's got the little frowny face and the cute marks around it's eyes! I'm never going to let go of it!"

He suddenly stopped, looking shocked at his outburst.

" Breath one word to anyone and you die in your sleep." he hissed though his teeth as he clutched the raccoon protectively.

" Deal!" cried Temari, cutting the cake into squares with a wind jutsu an quickly taking the largest piece. She sighed as she took a bite, then quickly scarfed the rest and helped herself to another piece. Naruto and Lee took their pieces, expecting great things of the cake as they took bites.

They were let down.

Big time.

" Sand cake is my favorite." said Kankuro, taking a bite. " And this is pretty good. Usually they put too much in and it cuts your gums."

" I cracked a tooth." said Lee, a tear running down his face. He reached into his mouth and pulled out a perfectly round, pea sized pebble.

" Lucky!" said Kankuro. " That's the wish rock! You get that in your piece, you get to make a wish!"

" And then well go to the park and play on the swings, Mr. Tanuki. I'll push you first." Gaara whispered into the toy racoons ear.

" A wish?" said Lee, looking excited. " Then I wish the youthful Sakura would notice me!"

-----

" I have a picture of Lee in here?" Sakura asked aloud. She had been flipping though her photo album, looking at pictures of her family, but she had found a few pictures of friends that weren't supposed to be in there. " Glad I noticed that." she said, taking the photo out and putting it with the others.

------

" You should have phrased it better, but good luck." said Kankuro. " Hey, you going to eat that?" he asked, pointing at Lee and Naruto's pieces of cake.

" Rawr." said Naruto, pushing the cake away from him. Temari set upon it viciously.

" And I'll tell you all my secrets." Gaara whispered to the toy raccoon. " And you'll never tell anyone because you're my friend."

" Gaara!" yelled Baki, running though the front door. " I heard reports that your friends attacked the village and everyone is abandoning until they leave!"

" Rawr?" Naruto growled in confusion. Baki looked to the kitsune demon, who waved with a clawed paw.

He then screamed like a little girl and fainted.

" That's our sensei." chuckled Kankuro. " Hey, want to see what's behind that curtain?"

" Yosh!"

" Rawr!"

" If you give me your cake!"

" Mr. Tanuki says yes."

Kankuro reached down and flipped the cloth away.

"…"

Then they all vomited simultaneously, since Baki had the worst case of pink eye in EVAH.

------

" When did I eat all those peanuts, Mr. Tanuki?" Gaara asked the stuffed raccoon, who he had perched on his head, as he clutched his stomach. He and the others had, after they finished heaving and cleaned themselves up, crawled into the living room to recuperate. Naruto was snoozing on his tails, Lee's face was slowing changing from a green to match his jumpsuit to his normal skin color, Kankuro was playing with a puppet, and Temari was fanning herself.

" What I want to know is why I puked purple." said Kankuro.

" Did you eat your face paint on accident again?" asked Temari.

" Maybeeeee." Kankuro said, looking away.

" Baki!" cried a sand ANBU, who had entered with his team to survey the situation. " Oh, god, his eye!"

" We're wearing masks!"

' Blaughgurl!"

" Vomit sound!"

" Rauughg!"

" He should use that in combat. It is a impressive technique." Lee commented weakly.

" Wait…did one of those ANBU say 'vomit sound?" asked Temari curiously.

" I wasn't listening." replied Gaara.

Naruto began to snore as he lost interest in the tragic affairs of the ANBU.

-----

" We're so, so sorry." apologized Lee as the Sand Siblings saw them off. They had caused a village wide panic with their arrival.

" Don't be." said Kankuro with a laugh. He leaned over and whispered so Gaara, who was tossing the plush into the air and catching it, could not hear. " That thing was genius."

" Rawr!" said Naruto, making his usual noise. He'd have to thank Hinata when he got back.


	7. Chapter 7

NO TIME TO WRITE FOR A BIT. SORRY FOR SHORT CHAPTER.

" All right, Hinata, go through the list once more time." ordered Anko. She and her new student were waiting by the village gate for Naruto.

" Step one, catch target off guard." sighed Hinata. She wished she didn't need the help of the person who had stolen Naruto from her to get Naruto, but she wasn't having any luck on her own. " Step two, quickly glomp, putting your hand to his fun parts to deter him from resisting. Step three, remove pants in the event any are present. Step four, push to ground, taking the top position."

" Perfect!" said Anko with a smile. " You'll be a fully qualified rapist in no time!"

Hinata blushed deeply at the thought as Naruto and Lee came into view. Her heart skipped a beat when Naruto saw her and ran up.

" Hinata! I wanted to thank you for the gift idea!" was what he said, but they only heard " Rawr!" Before Hinata could ask for clarification, Naruto suddenly hugged her. Hinata blushed a tone of red that matched Naruto's chakra, gave a contented sigh, and lost consciousness from pure joy.

" Rawr!" whimpered Naruto nervously as he realized she was out cold.

" Hmmm." said Anko, taking Hinata, who had a wide, goofy grin, away from him. " Looks like we need to get some more practice in. Well, she'll be back!"

Anko trotted off, leaving a very confused kitsune.

But that and everything else was forgotten when he saw a certain sign that proclaimed "Half Price Ramen Day."

At speeds that cannot be imagined, Naruto ran though the village, leaving a trail of drool as he went. The ramen stand came into view and he pounced onto a stool eagerly.

" Naruto!" said Ayame, smiling. " We were hoping you'd be by! First bowl is on the house!" Naruto made the little happy kitsune noise as she set the bowl in front of him. He was leaning over to take the first sip of the delectable broth when he felt a surge of blue chakra and the ramen stand vanished.

" NOOOOOOOOOOO!" he cried, falling to his knees as he appeared in a grassy field.

" Hey! Help me out!" cried that little annoying girl that had summoned him. Sniffling and wiping his tears away, he looked around. There was a shocked looking female jounin wearing earmuffs that only covered one ear, a shocked looking boy in blue with black hair, and an angsty looking girl in a pink outfit.

Even Naruto could recognize this as a cheap knockoff of him, Kakashi, Sakura, and Sasuke, just with genders and colors reversed. Naruto knew he'd need to put some sort of limit on Annoying Girl summoning him too much.

" Kit, if your going to summon me you better be able to pay." said Naruto grumping, crossing his arms.

" Pay?" asked the girl in pink, looking confused. " I did the whole thumb biting thing! Isn't that enough?!"

" I meant ramen." said Naruto, licking his lips. " You want me to do something, you better have a bowl ready."

" Not to interrupt….but did she really summon you?" asked the jounin.

" At a bad time, too." sighed Naruto. " I was just about to have lunch. At least Anko wasn't having her way with me when this happened. That would have been embarrassing."

He resisted the urge to chuckle as the Lightning ninja blushed, imagining what it would have been like.

" But how a I supposed to have ramen ready?" asked the annoying girl, snapping out of it.

" I don't know. Just have some, kit." shrugged Naruto.

" I guess this technique's not going to get the bells from sensei, then." sighed the girl.

" Nope." said Naruto, smiling as the jutsu ceased. He suddenly found himself back at the ramen stand, where the bowl was till waiting. He happily dug in, the small annoyance forgotten.

----

Hinata woke up.

With no Naruto.

" FUCKTACULAR!" she swore, leaping from her bed. " Fan-fucking-tacular! I had him! He kissed me! And I fainted, god dam it!"

" What is going on in here?" demanded her father, barging in.

" **Get the fuck out.**" said Hinata, eyes glowing red.

" 'k bye!" said her father, waving as he fled. Hinata stormed around her room for a while, swearing profusely. She felt a little hungry, so she decided to do some evil. She went to Neji's room and found him gone, so she entered and walked over to a cage that held Neji's prize pet.

( Reviewer In the Story Time!)

Greg. Greg the bunny.

Neji couldn't live without that little rabbit keeping him sane. His father had given it to him, and he often talked about how the rabbit was his most prized possession. The poor bunny quailed in fear as the dark form of Hinata loomed over it, kunai and fork in hand.

" I bet you squeal real nice."

------

Naruto yawned, still feeling tired from the fast paced trip to Suna. It was midday, but he felt sleepy.

Meaning, it was naptime.

Until he was poofed of to Lightning Land.

" Here's your stupid ramen!" said annoying girl, forcing the bowl to his face. Sleepy but not willing to turn down free ramen, Naruto began to slurp up the noodles.

" It's amazing you can summon something like that." said the woman with the partial earmuffs, looking over Naruto while the genin watched. " Are you a full demon?"

" Nope. Half demon." said Naruto in a matter of fact tone.

" Ah. That explains why you aren't a gigantic killing machine and don't completely look like a fox." said the jounin with a sigh.

" Let me guess." said Naruto, pointing to the earmuffs. " You have some sort of special ear that lets you do all these awesome things but you can't use it all the time."

" Correct." said the jounin with a smile.

" She's looking for the person who killed her family and also has the freaky ears, he's obsessed with her, and she's annoying." said Naruto, pointing to the angsty pink girl, the love stuck boy with black hair, and the annoying girl with blonde hair in turn.

" Quite true."

" Wow. Lame." said Naruto mysteriously, reclining on his tails. " So, did you just call me here to give me ramen?"

" No, I want you to get the bells from sensei!" shouted the annoying girl angrily.

" Did you three try working together? That's the point of the test." said Naruto, feeling lazy. From the shocked look on the genin's faces, they had not.

" Well drat. Since they know about teamwork they're going to pass." sighed the jounin. " Congrats on being the first team I ever accepted."

" We did it!" said the annoying girl jumping into the air and celebrating.

" Nap time." said Naruto, lying back on the bed his tails made.

" Great summon you have there." said the black haired boy with a laugh.

" Come on! If he'd do something, it'd be awesome!"

" Fine!" snarled Naruto, rolling onto his feet. " What's your favorite place to eat?"

" The sushi stand!" the girl replied enthusiastically.

" I'm gonna go squish it. See ya." said Naruto with a evil smirk before racing off. He head the whines and shouts of protest before he got out of sight and found himself a nice, quiet corner in a back alley to nap in. He didn't really want to destroy the sushi stand, but it would make the girl more respectful.

" D-demon!" cried someone.

" I'm TRYING to take a nap!" he roared at the terrified ninja. " What the hell is wrong with you people! Five minutes! That's all I ask!"

" Your not here to destroy the village?" asked a ANBU, landing by him with a dozen other ninja.

" Not unless you guys keep waking me up." said Naruto with a sigh. " Besides, I'm the new head kitsune. I'm trying to get rid of the negative image my predecessor created for us."

" ….?"

" The Kyuubi. You know, killing a bunch of people and stuff? I just want some ramen in exchange for doing what the annoying girl in the pink jumpsuit tells me to do and my nappy time." he explained, lying his head down. " Please?"

"….sure?" said the ANBU, scratching his head.

" Hey! Bastard fox! Get back here!" cried the annoying girl, coming into view.

" Nasuko…" sighed one of the ninja that Naruto recognized as the teacher from the academy that was a blatant Iruka rip off.

" Hey! Why the hell did you run off!" said Nasuko, racing over to Naruto angrily, ignoring the crowd.

To the relief of everyone assembled, Naruto clamped a tail over her mouth.

" First thing, I'm the nine tailed fox. I could end you with a sneeze." said Naruto in a threatening tone. " Two, a pink jumpsuit? What kind of ninja wears that? Third, emo girls going to get a evil hickey during your chunnin exam."

The look on everyone's face was priceless.

" Now, do not EVER call me unless you have a large amount of ramen that you want eaten, are in a life threatening situation, or want me to take public relations off of my list of things to improve."

"…"

" That means eating everyone in the village."

Nasuko, understanding, nodded. Naruto sighed as he let her go and put his head down onto a soft tail for a nap.

" One last thing." said Nasuko, snapping Naruto's eyes awake. " How come your half demon?"

" I used the Sexy Technique too much." sighed Naruto, making up a plausible lie. The girl looked shocked and he got a number of thankful looks from the villagers.

" Waiiit, your lying!" said the girl accusingly.

_I guess I should transform or something. _he thought, sitting up. _Let's give this a try…._He focused on the form he wanted to change to like he did in usual Henge's and to his surprise, he changed. _Stupid fox could have told me it was that easy!_

Needless to say, jaws dropped when a beautiful nude Nasuko appeared.

" Pervert!" cried Nasuko.

" You one to talk." said Naruto, folding his arms in his new shape. Nasuko was blushing heavily, as anyone would when a adult version of them was putting their body on full display. " Hey, I'll leave this form if you show my your Sexy Technique."

" Deal!" There were two puffs of smoke as Naruto changed back and a muscular, nude version of his old body appeared.

" Sweet." said Naruto, admiring how awesome he would have looked. _Heck, since I can change now, it won't be hard to look like I used to now. _

And with that, he was sent back to Kohona.

" Rawr!" roared Naruto, surprising several people who passed by. _Time to be Naruto again!_ He focused like he did before, but to his shock nothing happened.

----

Two hours of anger later, Naruto arrived at his newly rebuilt apartment. He'd finally figured out what happened: He could use the sexy technique since it was fox-based (the old stories about foxes changing into women sprung to mind), but he couldn't transform normally. In effect, he could become a girl whenever he felt like it for as long as he wanted

_Screw that. I'm already in a weird body. _he thought, walking through his front door.

" Here's your test." said Ibiki, handing a piece of paper to him.

" Rawr?"

" It's all we got. Anko toilet-papered the Hokage's tower, so you have to use that. Be careful, we each only get two sheets."

_Figures_ he thought as his stomach began to gurgle.


End file.
